Grief and Loss
by darkland
Summary: John finds a way to deal with the loss of his mother as a teenager and when he unexpectedly passes away suddenly, Aeryn is left without a husband and a father to their baby and struggles to cope with the loss and the Moya Crew also try and make sense over John's death.
1. Chapter 1

Walking in from the transporter, Aeryn-Sun , Chianna , John and Rigel were arguing about why Rigel tried to sell out John. It had become a problem in the last few weeks or so, Rigel would often come along to missions and then disappear and not follow through with the marching orders he was given. John had become quite irritable about the whole thing and he became irritated with Rigel in general as he was becoming more of pain with his evasiveness and general rudeness to wards himself and rest of the group.

As he walked off the transporter and into the hallway, he threw his weapon on the ground and furiously picked up his pace miles ahead from rest of the group. The pain in the chest returned, and he began to sweat again. John sighed. He figured it could have been Rigel and his shenanigans again, but the explosive pain in his chest begun when he woke up that early and every time he walked or ran, the pain would become more excessive. As John continued to ignore Aeryn's pleas for him to stop so they could talk some more about the given situation, John's heart began to beat faster. As he did, he struggled to maintain his breathing.

So frickin angry. John thought. He stopped dead in his tracks and closed his eyes and let the pain consume his body. He was weak, he was tired and was in pain. Every time he breathed , he was hurting. Every time he spoke, the sharpness of the pain bared down on his chest like a raging monster refusing to let go of him.

Aeryn walked up to him, he turned around and she stopped talking when she saw how ill he was looking. His face was pale, beads of sweat and he was clutching his chest.

"John, you look sick." She stated. She didn't mean to state the obvious to John, it was a bad mistake because he gave her a death glare. She caught the irritation and painful look in his face.

"God, why do you even state the obvious!? Are you that stupid to think that I am as stupid as you are!?" John screamed. He was so angry at Rygel, he was just taking out his frustration on his wife. He didn't mean too, but everything just seem to fall to pieces on the mission because of Rigel's ingenious plan to try sell Creighton to the slaveries for information on to finding his evil cousin and destroying him. Not they knew of it.

"You need to calm yourself, you look like you are about to collapse." Aeryn warned as she moved closer to put her hand on his forehead. "Look at you, your barely breathing, and your in some sort of pain. I think you better go and lay down or least go see Zhann. I know that Rigel is a bastard and a green one at that, but he's not worth getting sick over."

"I'm so sick of everything! I'm so sick of Rigel's crap, I am so sick of being out in space, so sick of not being close to getting home. I am just sick in general!" he screamed as he walked back into his quarters, with Aeryn-Sun following close behind.

"We're all pretty sick of being outcasts. But I'm worried about your physical health,honey. You could barely run away from the guards. You collapsed twice. You haven't eaten…I can't help worry that this is just more then mental stress." Aeryn-Sun said as they both sat on his bed. "Please talk to me, you need medical help."

"Fuck off, Aeryn. Seriously. I just want to be by myself." John screamed in her face. The anger that he was venting was more then just being stuck in space and dealing with the day to day of everyone else's problems and Moya, it was more than that. Aeryn-Sun knew it, and of course John knew it, but she didn't know what it was and she wanted to help but he wouldn't let her in. Aeryn stood up and had a dejected and hurt look on her face. Her husband never shut her out, but he was now, and she didn't understand why and it hurt her because she thought that they being a couple and married that they could share their problems together. Take it all on, no matter how big or daft it seemed.

She started to head out when John tugged on her arm. When she looked into his eyes, she could see sadness in those eyes the pain he was experiencing.

"I'm sorry." He said.

Aeryn looked at him. "It's okay. I'm worried about you. I just want you to be okay."

For the first time, John knew he had the opportunity to tell her the truth. That he was not okay. That the endless travelling in space was just doing his head in, he couldn't drop the thoughts of family that he missed and he was becoming increasingly isolated within his oneself. But he couldn't. He didn't want to dump everything on her. Aeryn was standing there waiting.

"I'll go see Zhann, but I just want to rest first , is that okay pushy one?" He managed a smiled.

Aeryn smirked. "Pushy one? Are you cruising for a bruising?"

"If I didn't feel so sick, then I would enjoy that, very much." John said with a wink.

"Lie down." -Sun commanded. "Get some sleep. Then go see Zhann. Okay?"

"Yes mummy." John winked again.

"I sometimes think you're damaged in more ways then I am. Mummy? Really?" She then snickers to herself and then walks out, leaving John to rest his body and head on his bed, listening to the faint of her laughter disappear as she walks down the corridor. John's smile disappeared off his face as he laid down on the bed and stared up at the roof, thoughts of his family and his friends that he deeply missed.

As he was dreaming, he was crying. He was tossing and turning. John's memories were haunting in him in his dreams. He could feel and touch the earth that he was on and could touch his parents, his sister and his friend's faces as if they were real. But they weren't real and he when he woke himself up his eyes teared up again at the angst that he was thrust upon in this new seance of scenery.

His body ached completely all down on the bed in his quarters on Moria, he thought he could actually just chill out. The events of the day and the mission had finally caught up to him. But his body ached even more, his chest was impounding as if something was sitting on it and and he struggled to breathe. He sat up and clutches his chest with both of his hands and headed over tor wards the small mirror on the desk. He got a shock in the mirror when he saw how bad he was looking. His skin was pale and beads of sweat was pouring out, his eyes red shot and he found it impossible to move his left arm completely.

Just what I need. He thought. He walked slowly back to his bed and groaned as he sat down. Another sharp pain shooting up through his chest.

"Christ."John said to himself as he sat forward. "Christ, this cannot be happening."

He looked around. He could hear voices around the corner, but because the pain was intense, John couldn't manage to focus on the voices, because the pain was intense. He managed to cry out a scream before the sharp pain th rusted upon on his heart, causing John to scream even more and gasp for air as he collapsed on the ground.

He laid on his back struggling to breath as his heart beat faster and the pain shot through all over his body. His eyes wide open with fear as he could feel the taste of death upon him. It felt like that to him and it felt like the pain was just sitting there for years. As he sunk into unconsciousness he pictured Aeryn-Sun's face and gasped out her name. "Aeryn. Help me."

Aeryn was walking down the corridor with Rygel, who was on his chair. They were having a debate Rygel's cowerdness in the latest mission.

"Rygel you can be such a coward sometimes. We've let you far too long get away with nothing. We may all have our own agendas, but we are a team and we need to (all of us) work together. And you are part of that fold." Aeryn said in her light but affirmative tone. She grew to fond Rigel, but his stubbornness and selfishness nearly put the whole crew at risk when they were on the Orange-Dark planet.

Rigel blinked. "I rather stay alive and then trump in the dark to rescue you, Miss Congeniality. Besides I had other business to take care of."

"First of all, I am not a princess and second of all what other business is it that you had to take care of?" Aeryn stopped dead in her tracks and folded her arms.

Rigel blinked and stuck out his tongue at her. "Go eat Trollick."

Aeryn grabbed his tongue and pulled him closer. He screamed for her to let go but all that came out of him was just muffled cries because of her vicious hold on his tongue.

"Listen here, you mangled pathetic excuse of alien-being, You are the only here that has made it quite clear that you will bring down this whole ship in order to ensure you arrive at your planet. I get that, We all want to go home, but we have to fight the peace-keepers along the way. I know you Rigel - what are you doing behind our backs that we don't know about? Are you selling us out!? You tried to sell out John, although I don't know even why he even bothers to save your ass every time you keep getting yourself in these situations!"

She let go of his tongue when she saw Zhann running down the hallway along with D'argo.

"Come quickly! It's John!" Zhann screamed. "The Pilot thinks he may be in trouble!"

Rigel and Aeryn looked confused.

"What do you mean , what's going on?" Asked Rygel.

"The Pilot said he lost his connection to John." Zhann said as they hurried down the corridor. His room was pretty far from everyone else's and he had wanted it that way from the beginning when he first arrived on the ship, before they all started to trust each other.

"How on earth can he be connected to John, when he has a connection with Moya?" Asked D'argo.

"Moya and Pilot have grown quite fond of John over the last few months. They captured his essence so they could monitor him through their minds." Zhann replied. "Pilot, where is he? Is he in his quarters?"

Pilot located. "I sense his body is still in his quarters, but I cannot sense his spirit. Moya is very worried as I am. She considers him to be family. If he were…. Well , let's just Moya and I would loose more then our face if Crighten's soul is lost."

Aeryn's face turned from confusion to quick worry when she heard that last part. Over that past year she had grown close to John herself, opened up her heart to him and they were developing some sort of relationship. She was very confused by it all, but she knew she liked him, but she just couldn't understand why the peacekeepers had wanted her to prevent her from having those feelings while she was with them. Why they denied all peacekeepers the thoughts and feelings that other beings in the universe, including John Crighten, were allowed to have. It was confusing for her. This was now adding more build to her anxieties. Her feelings and emotions were new to her and this very moment in time she only care about how John was.

"When did you decide to tap into his essence? And why haven't you tapped into any of ours?" Aeryn asked rather annoyed that John was sharing his intimacy with the ship and the Pilot , more then her. She couldn't help feel enraged that she didn't get John all to herself. She was trying to force her to stop being so jealous, but she couldn't help but be enraged by this.

"John Crighten is a new species that we have never accounted before. Moya is keen on keeping him close as a friend and ally in our escape from the peacekeepers. He's proved through is protection of her son that she can easily trust him and protect him from unnecessary evil." The Pilot said.

When they got to John's quarters, they found him lying on the floor. Aeryn hurried over to him and screamed out his name.

"John!" Aeryn screamed as she shook him. She was looking directly into his eyes which seemed to be staring vacantly up at her. "John speak to me!"

She felt his hand touch her hand.

"What happened? Who did this?" Aeryn asked. She wanted to go shoot whoever did this to him, little did they know that this was not the act of anyone else, except something a human body could only go through.

John closed his eyes and sunk into unconsciousness again.

Zhann knelt down and touched his chest. "John is very weak. We need to get him to the medical bay for further analysis."

"Could it be a virus? If it's a virus, get it out of him now!" Aeryn screamed at Zhann. She grabbed Zhann by the front of her clothes and Zhann pushed her off, surprised by her vicious behaviour.

"Calm yourself immediately!" Zhann ordered in a harsh tone. "I will have to perform tests back at my medical unit."

"I'll get Pilot to bring up the security footage." D'argo suggested.

"Good idea." Rigel said as he floated away. "I'll go and eat, I'm starving."

Everyone gave him a angry look.

"Crighten would want me to continue to eat." Rigel snickered.

D'argo and Aeryn carried Crighten onto the stretcher.

"God he's heavy, even for a human!" D'argo complained. "I wonder if he's one of those fat ones with a weight problem he's told us about on many occasions."

"I highly doubt it." Zhann rolled her eyes as they quickly hurried him off to the medical bay.

A while later, Zhann was performing body scans on John. John was laying out stretched on the white medical table and hooked up to the medical machines. In the background D'argo ,Chianna and Aeryn were awaiting the results of the body scan to see if he had indeed contracted a virus of some kind. Aeryn looked more worried. Inside her mind she was cursing to herself that she didn't force John to go to the medic bay sooner, or even before the mission forced him to sit out. She couldn't help feel partly responsible for his condition.

"Body scans are detecting that his heart ceased in a cardiac arrest." Zhann replied. "It appears John has a massive heart attack."

"A heart attack? What is that?" Asked Chiana, confused by the terminology was the others.

Aeryn walked over John and touched his hand and looked extremely worried and turned to face Zhann. "What could have caused this?"

"A number of things, really." Zhann replied as she monitored his heart rate and temperature on the monitor. "In John's case, as I seen on the screen, there is a build up of blockage around his arteries. When his arteries are built up in a human they can cause chest tightness and essentially give the heart more of a work out because of the extreme pressure it's causing on the cardiac system in the human body. We've known John for only one cycle, so we don't know how bad his condition was prior to meeting him."

"But he's not going to die right?" Asked Aeryn with worry. She didn't understand the complexity of her husband's body nor his organs and couldn't understand why he would collapse or why there would be blockages in his system. Truth be told - she didn't understand anything at all in regards to his medical diagnostics. She was hoping for good news, Aeryn didn't like the conversation. She knew Zhann was stumped when it came to the human body. But she was just about as clueless as Aeryn was in the matter.

"I don't much about his medical history, when and if he wakes up from unconsciousness I will know more." Zhann said with a slight sadness in her voice. Every time she touched him to keep an eye on his levels, she felt his spirit drawing away from his body. She did not know why this was occurring, but she felt he was drifting away.

"What do you mean if!? Are you saying he's never going to wake up?" D'argo angrily asked.

"I can only do so much without killing him, D'argo. He's not one of us. He's a human, I have no telling what kind of medication that I can give him, that may or may kill him. We have to play it by ear. I'm more worried about his spiritual state as well. It seems John is drawing away from us and I don't know why. It's as if he's giving up." Zhann screamed frustrated. She had a close bond with her friend and even thought of John as her confidant and a brother. The fact was that even if she could treat him, she wouldn't be able to intervene with his spirit if his spirit was moving on.

D'argo stepped back and looked at his friend, lying on table. "He must not die."

"I agree."Chianna said as she walked up close to the others.

"He's in a coma right now. All we can do is wait." Zhann replied rather sadly and depressingly. "I wish I could do more, but John's body is still new to me and this type of problem is a whole new learning curve. We just have to wait until he wakes up."

"Screw that." Aeryn replied grabbing onto Zhann's arm. "You can tap into his spirit can't you? Force him to not go into that… whatever is human's go into when they die. Make him want to live!"

Zhann looked at Aeryn and D'argo. "I cannot inter fear in the process of life and death. That is not what I can do with my spiritual powers. I must not interfear with the causality of nature. Doing this alone could do more damage to John's soul and to myself in ways I cannot even begin-."

"But this is John. He's your friend. He's saved your ass a few times or two. Don't make him wish that he bloody hadn't. Save him." Rygel said from the doorway.

Everyone , including Zhann turned to see Rygel on his electric chair zooming into the room.

"What was it that you once said - 'a man's fight is not worth giving up until all score is settled.' In this life, I believe John's score is not settled, Zhann." Rigel reminded her. D'argo and Chianna looked on in surprise by Rigel's caring nature.

"For once, the toad makes sense, Zhann." D'argo agreed, hiding his suprise and disappointment that he didn't think of saying something clever or patriotic. He thought the line was waste on a pathetic creature such as Rigel.

Rigel looked at them with a saddened look on his face. "Hey I may not show it, but I care for Crighten. I really do."

"Then why did you try and sell him out on the mission?" D'argo asked.

"Okay, enough. I haven't got time to debate your squabbles." Aeryn said in an angry tone." My love of my life is hanging on by a thread, can we try and save him?"

She then turns back to Zhann with a pleading look in her eye. "Please, just guide him back. I love him. I need him. I'm carrying his child. He needs to know that. He needs to be here for that."

Zhann was even more confused by the words of her friend. Her duty as a high spirtual guider and priest prevented her from using her powers from saving people and guidling them away from death, but her soul and heart ached for both John and Aeryn son and rest of her crew mates. She had worked so hard to regain that part of her sense of importance, her sense of being after her turbulence over her choice to killing a being who betrayed her and her friends. Zhann never expected to be put in that position that she could once again fall off that path that she had closed to her heart. The priesthood. The spirit. It was what she wanted to be, and she felt that her friends demanding that she inter fear in the causality of life of one man, would bring her to the point of abusing that gift that she had and in result destroy the very essence of her being and the nature that she knew.

Zhann looked rather guilty because she was only following what her heart wants her to follow and the causality of life. "I know how you must feel! And congratulations on you and John's baby, but what you are asking me to do is asking me to betray myself and what I am, I cannot do that for one person. Friend or not. It's like ripping off a a band aid before a wound heals and the evident consequences of the wound not being properly healed. John has to come out of this on his own way. Not me tapping into his unconsciousness."

"You sit there and proclaim to be this spiritual friend with great power and you wont use it to save John! He's our friend, you consider him family! I don't see how you can be so self-righteous about the rules of your spiritual quest and priesthood in a time where he could use you to save his life! I order you to save his life!" Aeryn screamed. She shook Zhann, as Zhann began to struggle and scream out of Aeryn's grips. She twas about to bite into Aeryn's skin.

D'argo and Chianna had to come between the two of them.

"SAVE HIM! I don't care how you do it, just save him!" Aeryn screamed almost in tears. She shook off D'argo's grips. "Get your filthy hands off me! I am not a toy!"

"Yes you are." Rigel joked.

As she stormed passed she punched him in the mouth.

"Brutality! I am dobbing on you! I may even report you to the peace keepers myself!" Rigel said as he nursed his punched face. "Little bitch needs to be put in her place."

"And you need to shut up before I choke your chubby neck." D'argo threatened.

D'argo looked at Zhann. "Are you alright?"

Zhann looked up, tears forming in her eyes. "I know she loves him. I love him too. But to do what you are asking of me…"

"We wouldn't ask if we didn't think it was important." D'argo said calmly. "Justifying it all you want, but this is John, if he dies, it will be your fault."

"That's not fair!" Zhann protested, quite surprised by D'argo's lack of understanding. "Of all the people that could support me on this, I thought you would."

D'argo looked at his friend and then looked at Zhann. "I've lost my wife and child. Aeryn's about to loose the father of her child. How can I sit there and allow him to die on her and the unborn? How can you for that matter? You can and will do this."

Before Zhann could reply. She watched D'argo and Chianna walk out of the room to go after Aeryn.

"What do you think, Rigel?" She asked as she wiped the tears off her blue face. She looked at him. He often could be quite insightful when he wanted to be.

They both looked at each other and then looked at John lying on the table. Silence except for the monitor beeping at his hearbeats to signal that he was still breathing.

"John's resolve is not death." Rigel said sadly as he shook head. "I think you know that too."

She sighed as she looked at John. "If I do this, you all have no idea what I will be facing."

Rigel moved in closer to her and put his green little hand on her shoulders. "Sometimes we have to look at the greater good."

Zhann sighed and looked at him with a sly smile and then back at John.

In John's subconsciousness, he was sitting on the beach on earth, staring aimlessly at the blank blue sky that engulfed his view. He saw nothing else but blue skies. No buildings, No cars, no people. He felt lonely in this subconsciousness, as he was in his real life back on Moya. He turned around and saw that there was more ocean. He looked down on the sand and realized that he couldn't move from is spot.

"What the hell is this?" He asked out loud into no one particular. "What is this place? Aeryn? Zhann? D'argo? Hello anybody out there? Am I dead? What the frick is going on!?" He looked around again to see if anything else was out there, but it seemed that there wasn't.

He looked up on the sky and in the sky he could see memories of his family and friends from earth. And next to them he could see memories of his crewmates on Moya. He sighed. "Am I in purgatory or something?"

"No you're not." A familiar voice said. John turned around surprised at the voice and turned to see Zhann standing there. She was smiling at him and had her hands clasped together.

"Thank god, what is this place? How the hell did I get here, Zhann , where's the rest of the crew?" John asked, bombarding her with questions all at once, not realizing that she was not even standing on the sand, but somewhat floating above the ground.

"John, this world isn't real. This world is apart of your subconscious, as you are in a coma back on Moya. I'm here to guide you, to help you understand what's happening to you. Beyond that, I cannot help you choose life or death." Zhann explained.

John frowned. "I'm in a coma?"

Zhann looked at him. She realized that his spirit was still assuming that he was still in his own body. John had not realized what was happening to him. "Yes, you are. Do you remember what happened?"

John folded his arms and thought for a moment. "I remember passing out, had pains in my chest, though. I remember snapping at Aeryn, but the event sequence is a bit confusing. But how on earth did I end up here though?"

"You are in a coma, so I am in your unconsciousness. You had a heart attack, that's the correct human term I believe." Zhann replied quickly.

John looked at her, stunned by what she had just said. "No way."

"Yes." Zhann replied and then replied unsure. "…way?"

John looked at her. "Am I going to die?"

"That depends on your will to live and your fighting spirit." Zhann replied. "The only reason I am helping you by tapping into your unconsciousness state is that we all believe you are not ready to die. You do have some good left to do."

John looked at Zhann, he felt a kick in the gut when she said that and felt a wave of doubt and Aeron's emotional pain. "I can feel some doubt about you being here. I can also feel Aeryn. She's in pain. How can that be possible if I'm in a coma state?"

"You can feel the people around you. And you can hear them. Every thought, every breathe, every word." Zhann replied.

"Even Sparky's worried. I am completely stunned by that." John said. He looked up at the sky to see more of the blue colour disappearing with more boxes of his memories playing out. "I assume those memories, are there to help me decide whether to let go and move forward or to return."

"That's correct. I've sensed your pain for quite some time." Zhann said. "I can only tell you that you have two choices at this point in forward. I can't mess with the grand scheme of things. The causality and morality of life and death. I can only tell you that you have a choice to make and you do not have much time. If you chose to live, I can help you."

Before John could ask any more questions, as her presence left her more confused then ever, she faded into teh blue sky as his memories engulfed him. As they did, he felt the sense of sadness, depression and anger enter his spirit. He started screaming out for Zhann. He was scared and confused. All these memories were haunting him even while stuck in his own mind.

John began to cry at the memories that he was seeing.

Zhann was in her mediation/prayer state beside John in the medical bay. Chianna was with her as was Rigel.

She opened her eyes. The experience of tapping into John's unconsciousness left her quite dizzy. She collapsed onto the ground. Chianna rushed over to help her up.

"Are you okay?" Chianna asked with great concern.

"I just need to sit down. The experience has left me quite light-headed. Set me down on that chair." Zhann replied as she rubbed her head. She sat on the chair and sighed.

"So how is he?" Rigel asked.

"He's confused…." Zhann started to say. "I could only offer him two choice. His spirit has to make the right one on his own."

"Did you tell him that he has to come back to us?" Rigel shouted.

"I told you, I cannot do that! I gave him the choices. Now it's up to him. I could not tell him about the baby. It is not my place." Zhann said faintly. "I think I may need to lie down. I'm going back to my quarters."

"I think I'll come with you." Chianna offered as she helped her stand. "You look quite weak. Exactly how much energy did you use to tap into his unconsciousness?"

"I've got 40% energy left." Zhann said. "I need to at least approximately half an arn of rest to recharge at 50%." Zhann said. "And thank you."

Meanwhile Aeryn was sitting beside John in the medical bay unit. She looked rather worried and held one of his hands in her arms. Rigel was still hanging about in the corner, obviously still showing his worry and concerns for his friend. Aeryn sniffed back tears of worry, as she watched the monitor display his heart rate, blood pressure and the annoying beeping sound every seconds. She may have found it annoying, but it was showing that he was still breathing. She looked at her boyfriend with love, compassion and worry.

Aeryn was planning on surprising John with the news of her pregnancy to him later on tonight out on the deck looking up at the space stars, but now instead she was looking at her ill boyfriend. "Oh John, I know you can hear me. There is so much that I need to say to you, but I don't want you to give up. I know you've been missing earth and your family. Truth is , I can't understand what that pain must be like, much like the others. I just want you to not give up on us. We need you. I need you…"

She was debating with herself whether to tell John of the news of her pregnancy right now. She believed or rather, Zhann rather believed, that the unconscious can hear the livings thoughts and feelings. Aeryn was not totally sure about it, but if the good news could some how wake him up, then it would be be worth it.

"I have something miraculous to tell you." Aeryn said with a smile. The thought of having the baby was exciting to her, and she knew that John would be excited as well.

"You're going to do his laundry while he's in a coma?" Rigel asked while blinking. He didn't get why she was smiling.

"Frak off or keep your mouth shut. I have to tell John this and I want him to hear it." Aeryn sharply responded to Rigel's sexist joke. "And for the record, that is very sexist."

"Not on my planet." Rigel rebutted.

"Will you shutup?" Aeryn asked.

She turned back to John and rubbed her hands over his right arm. "I'm pregnant. I know you said you would like kids one day, but… I wasn't thrilled when Zhann gave me the news. But I want you to know I am happy. And I want you to stay with me so we can raise this child together. It's important that a child has both his parents. I know that when your mom died when you were young, you felt lost without her, and it being only you and your dad…but anyway I'm saying. Please don't die. I need you. The baby needs you."

Rigel put his head in his hand. "It's like watching a mating/begging ritual."

In John's coma, John was sitting cross legged on the beach, making marks in the sand with a stick when he heard Aeron's voice. He smiled at the thought of being a dad. It was something that in the back of his mind he would be ready for.

John stood up at the sky, at the memories of his mother. Tears falling onto his face as he watched his childhood with his mom. "Mom I miss you so much." He said into the sky as he watched the memories unfold before him. "I know somewhere out there you can hear me, you are going to be a grandma. I love you, I miss you."

As the tears flowed from his eyes, the memories disappeared and everything turned pitch black. He suddenly found himself looking over Aeron and Rigel who were beside his body on the med table in the med lab of Moya.

He found himself floating down into his body.

Aeryn looked at Rigel sadly. "I just hope he heard that."

Rigel's eyes opened wide with shock and awe. "I think he did because he just opened his eyes."

Aeryn looked down to see John finally open his eyes.

She smiled and then kissed him impulsively. She dis-embraced from the kiss to see John's eyes looking at her.

"It's me. Aeryn, how are you feeling?" Aeryn asked as she stroked his hair and smiled.

"Okay, I guess." John said in a flat voice. He grabbed his chest. "God, I feel like somebody's sat on my chest."

Aeryn looked at him and stopped smiling. "You actually had a heart attack. You were lucky that we found you in time. Pilot and Moya couldn't sense your spirit. We found you a few hours ago."

John tried to sit up but the pain in his chest thrashed further.

Rigel moved forward. "Good to have you back."

"Get lost." John said cruelly. He turned to Aeryn and looked at her. "I mean it."

He saw her face drop in disappointment. "Don't ever, ever…..mention my mother to me again. I heard everything you said."

Aeron looked stunned by John's brutal honesty. She couldn't say anything else. "I'm pregnant, I thought…"

"You thought?" John grimaced in a bit of pain. "I now can't stop thinking about my mom. I can't stop thinking the way she died when I was fourteen. I didn't tell you that so you could use it ammunition to tell me you were pregnant. What are you?"

Aeryn looked as if she was about to cry. "I was just trying…"

Before she could say anything else D'argo and Zhann walked in, pleased that John had awoken. They watched as Aeyron burst into tears and fled out of the room.

"What happened?" D'argo asked, obviously confused by Aeyron's reaction.

John sighed and burst into tears, holding his hands to his face so no one could see that emotional part of him.

Rigel caught everyone looking at him with condemnation. "It wasn't my fault this time."

"Could you guys give us some time alone?" Zhann asked. "Let me talk to John privately."

D'argo looked confused. "I don't get it - you'd think his girlfriend would be happy that John is awake. Women, who can work them out?'

"Women are dangerous breeds indeed." Rigel agreed.

"OUT!" Zhann ordered in a angry tone. "It's just as well as I don't try and read your spiritual minds."

As soon as D'argo and Rigel left , Zhann closed the door to the medical bay unit and turned back to see john still crying.

"I can see pain and alot of sadness." Zhann said as she approached him. She watched as John continued to melt into his emotions. His loud screams of his mom allowed Zhann to interpret that John was missing his family and his friends back on earth. She sensed that even though he tried to adjust to being away and on the ship with the rest of the Moya crew, he couldn't accept that he would never see his family again. He was struggling with everything, it all had become too much for him to handle.

Zhann put a hand on his chest and sat beside him. "Listen, I know it can't be easy for you to be separated form those you love and left behind. Granted it's hard on all of us. But you can't keep these feelings inside you, it's going to destroy you. Now talk to me please… whatever you want, you can trust me. I won't betray your confidence."

John shook his head and then looked at her. She saw how red his eyes were from crying and the tears still forming.

"I…" He started to say and then he realized something about his coma that he had must have pushed away. "You communicated with me in my coma didn't you? I wasn't dreaming that was I?"

"No. My powers can interact with your unconsciousness even when in a coma." Zhann said. She looked down guilty. "I am not proud of it."

John frowned. "You helped guide me back, though. You're making me deal with my inner demons, my feelings, if you want to call them that."

Zhann hushed him. "Hush, about me. I want to help you."

"I didn't realize that was the condition of you bring me back from the brink." John rolled his eyes, he tried to sit up again, but the pain yet again shot through him like lightning.

He sighed and when he noticed her staring at him some more, he closed his eyes. "I can't, Zhann. If I go there, I'm scared I'm going to go into a place that you may not even help me get out of."

Zhann folded his arms. "You are still rather weak , I would rather you rest up for the next couple solar days. I can feel your hurt and sadness, John. I am very worried about you. I think you have to learn to rely on us for support every now and then, otherwise you are going to end up dealing with everything alone and I have seen the ramifications of that within my own."

"It's called suicide on my planet." John said as he twiddled his farms. His voice yet again sounding flat and unattached or inviting.

"Suicide?" Zhann asked. "I don't know the meaning of that word."

"It's when someone takes his or her own life. If they can't deal with their problems." John said as he looked at Zhann , this time his voice quivering as he tried not to break into tears again.

Zhann's eyes went wide open and fear with worry when she heard John describe the meaning of that, She rushed over to his side again. "And tell me John are you at this crisis point where you just want to throw away the life that you have made yourself, the life that you have now grown to , have shared with us and with Aeryn for the last cycle and a half? Are you ready to throw that away?"

John looked at her. He knew she was making sense, but the hurt inside him didn't want to agree. The pain he was feeling and the sadness and the lossless of hope of getting home had finally succumbed and John just wanted to give up. The love that he had for Aeron he started to question.

Was anything real anymore!? John screamed in his head. Is my relationship with Aeryon real too or am I just living that fantastically through my crazy head of mine? All I can think about is the life that I am not going to get and I can only see the crap one that's ahead."

He looked away from Zhann as he thought to himself more, but she turned his head so fast she almost snapped it.

"You listen to me, John. I will not. Correction, we will not let you throw yourself into this abyss that you have found yourself in, We will not let you go down in this vicious photometric cycle that you humans are accustomed to. You will live. If it takes us 20 cycles to ensure you see the good in everything and what you mean for us then fine. I will do that. But I will not let you die. Not for anything that involves selfishness."

John watched Zhann walk back to her medical bench and tidy up. He sighed and closed his eyes. He needed rest. Maybe if he just rested.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple Solar days later, things were not better. The crew were becoming increasingly worried about John. He had not eaten, or even moved from his bed. He had recovered from his heart attack rather quickly then anticipated, but he was emotionally and mentally damaged and fragile. All John did was look at photos he had with him in his baggage. He looked at the photos of his mom and his dad and brothers. He missed them so badly lately, he just couldn't shake the fear that he will never see the again. Thoughts promptly turned back to his mom. He couldn't get over how Aeryn thought using his last mom as a way to justify trying to get him to live. Even if it was just for the baby that they were having. He was so angry at that. He couldn't blame her though, she was not a human, so she isn't exactly understanding about his only emotional behaviour.

As he wiped the tears off his face, Chianna knocked on his door, as the door was slightly ad-jar, and slowly approached John. She didn't need to announce her presence, he could sense her there. She approached him and sat beside him. She noticed the tears from his face and looked at the photo of his mother. In the photo his mother was wearing a white jumper and green skirt. Beside her was a picture of John, in his teenager years. He was wearing a baseball cap with the team colours faded , a grey and baggy hoody jumper along with blue jeans. He had his arms around his mother and his head was turned toward her cheek and leaning in for the kiss. His smiling affectionate as he was kissing his mom. In turn, she was smiling largely with those blue eyes, showing off her perfect white teeth. In the background of the photo was a picture of the beach. A nice and clear blue sky behind them and the waves of the ocean caught in mid air. A perfect moment in time capturing not only the essence of the ocean and the perfect weather, but the essence of mother and son in a one happy shot that transcended the love between mother and sun until the test of time.

As Chianna looked at the photo as she grabbed John's hand. She reflected on the own loss of her own brother, and wished she could carry a holographic photo of him around, like John did with his mom.

John looked at her. "Thanks."

"For?" Chianna asked, quite confused, but was glad of John able to say something. She admired John, his strong persona, his leadership and the way he encouraged her to be herself and to take initiative. She had a lot to be thankful for, and she wanted to help in any way she could.

"I just wanted to be alone. You were the only one that actually respected my wish. I get that everyone is worried and wanted to help but they were just frickin in my face way too much. I just needed to be alone. You got that. You didn't force me to talk or anything, you came past and stood there and then left me alone. Thanks." John said as he sat up and climbed onto the floor to sit next to Chianna. Her eyes looked inviting as she put her arms around him. He embraced the hug as they bobbed their heads together.

From a distance Aeryn looked on quite hurt and in jealousy. She still didn't get John's emotions or reactions to the pregnancy news. It was like that for these two - they were slowly learning the new boundaries of the baggage that came with inter spacial relationships. John was learning her way in way she dealt with things as was Aeryn trying to be accustomed to how her human boyfriend operated.

She stood by while he let Chianna embrace the hug. Be greatly at least that he's let someone near him. I am just glad he let Chiana in. I love you John, I don't want you to turn away from me. I know you need time to heal those wounds you have. I hope you can let me in when you feel you can ready your heart to me in this time of need.

Her thoughts were interrupted by D'argo and Zhann walking down the corridor.

"How is he today?" Zhann asked. Her immediate concern apparent.

"Chianna is in there with him." Aeryn said. "Apart of me just wants to go in there and hold onto him tight, but I know he's furious with me and I don't want to add more to his stress."

"Surely when you mentioned his mother, you only did out of love and respect." Zhann said.

"I know his mom was ill for a long time and it wasn't my intent to make him so mad. I know he never got a chance to properly say goodbye to her. I just worry that him being out here, has escorted his grief for her." Aeyon stated. She knew how John operated. She remembered how secretive he was about his whole past on earth when they first met him. And as time grew on he mentioned to Aeryon bit by bit about his family and how they helped shaped who he was today. But the one thing that non one truly knew about was his relationship with his mom and how she passed away. He was unbending on talking about that area of his life. Even Rigel tried to get him to talk, DRESSED up in a nurse's outfit found in the cargo bay (how it got on moya is another story and how Rigel managed got it on is also another story) but it failed miserably.

"Maybe you need to push him." Zhann said. "Not to far, but gently."

Aeyrn looked at her. "I'm his girlfriend, I am going to try. I am not letting him suffer alone."

She walked into the room, Chianna looked up as did John. He greeted her with a cold stare. "What?"

"I am going to sit here with you now. And until you get sick of me, I am not going to leave. You can hurl stuff at me, you can do whatever the hell you want, insult me, but I am not leaving you. You need me now and I am here. Chianna fuck off."

Chianna gasped. "Politely you should have said - Chianna please leave? No need to be a peace-keeping bitch about it."

John helped his friend up giving Chianna a "sorry, don't worry about it look." "She's just pissy that I haven't let her in."

"Damn right, John. Now Chiana please get the frellout of here so I can talk to John." Aeryn said. "I don't know how much politer I can be."

Chiana gave her the evil eye. "You and I are going to have a sit down and chat about the way you treat me verbally.."

"And she means that." John added.

Chiana skipped out of the room and grunted and followed D'argo and Zhann back to the command post.

John looked at Aeron and she returned the look.

She sat on the floor against the wall as John just stood there looking at her. He folded his arms. "What is this stale mate or something?"

"I'm just being as stubborn as you are." Aeyrn responded with a frown. "I've known you well enough to at least give you a taste of your own medicine. It's time we talk and get you to resolve what you are really angry at. And I believe it has to do with the death of your mother."

John's eyes immediately darted toward her. "Don't….Don't you dare go there."

"You need to open up to me, John!" Aeryon screamed. "You can't keep bottling this up. It's affecting you. I can't stand to see you like this. We all miss our family, our friends, why wont you let me help you deal with this?"

John banged his bead on the table in front of him. "BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND! BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A HUMAN!"

John realized what he had said. He didn't mean it, but he said it, and the temper in him within him began to immediately subsided. He was hurting Aeryn with the way he was at the moment,everything he said to her , was just wrong. He didn't know what else to do or to say, it seemed like hurting her and the others was just the easier option, but nonetheless he felt like he was being imprisoned within his own mind and sanity of the haunting memories of his mother.

Aeryn stood there raising an eye brow. "Like I said, John, you can call me any name and insult me with hurtful human sayings all you want. But I am not going to leave you. I am going to be here for you. You can take great comfort in that. If you are trying to push me away so you can do whatever and deal with this on your own - then you're wrong."

She folded her arms. "It's going to be a long night."

For whatever reason why, John gave her the finger and she smiled.

"You really want to have sex now do you?" Aeryn giggled. "You're very damaged."

"On my planet it means go to hell or frell or ." He muttered. He sat back on his bed and tried to calm himself down. He just stared at her. He figured this was going to be a long drawn out battle.

Between the staring and the gloating and then the random smiles Aeryn gave him, John sighed and started to break down again. This time he didn't bother resisting Aeryn's pleas to open up to him.

She walked over to him and sat with him in the bed and allowed him to cry into her chest. She was half expecting this human creature to savour the moment and announce "boobies", but she knew that wasn't going to happen. So it was serious.

"Can you at least tell me, what you're upset about? Is it me?" Aeryn asked. She didn't know why she asked if it was about her, she could clearly seen the pain on his face that it was something else. John looked at her worried. He knew it wasn't about her, but he realized she was just trying to understand what he was going through.

John looked at her, his half head to the world and filled up with tears. "You know it isn't."

"Then help me understand why you hate me." Aeryn said, practically begging him to out with his emotions. "I am freaking out here and a relationship with you is not exactly text book science. I am new to this."

John showed her the photo of him and his mum. She took the photograph from his hand and studied it immensely. She never saw such type of imagery before. Something hard, you could touch and the paint strokes or whatever it was to her so hardened. She looked at the young John and his mom in the photo.

"She's very beautiful." Aeryn said meaning that. "You look alot like her."

John smiled. "People kept telling me that. I did somewhat believe it up until the day she died."

Aeryn looked at him. "You were close, I presume?"

"I was close with both my parents." John faked a smile. He took the photo from her and gave her another one. She looked horrified at what she saw in the photo. It was of Johna nd his mom, but she was in some sort of bed and medical equipment hooked up to her. She looked very thin and her face was pale and her eyes were watery. She had barely managed a fake smile, while the young fourteen year old John looked rather somber with his smile.

"She looks really bad in this picture." Aeryn commented.

"That's because she was ill, Aeryn. She had a disease called cancer. A disease which has unregulated cell growth. Where cells divide and grown uncontrollably. This forms maligant tumors." John explained, his voice breaking as he talked about it, he felt he was re-living it all over again. "I guess for a long time I hadn't talked about it, and with the stress of not being able to return home and being on the run from peace-keepers and not fully comprehending the predicament I am currently in, I guess it was time for it to finally consume me."

Aeryn looked puzzled by the word "consume." But she just waited for him to continue.

"I watched her slowly lose that every bit of energy she had. Her life , her spirit. It was just depressing. It took three months for the cancer to finally kill her." John said sadly. "I never was able to deal with that."

Aeryn looked at him, her heart pouring out for John. She stoked his shoulder and said. "I don't know how humans say goodbye to their lost loved ones, but maybe you need to give her a proper goodbye. For your sake. For hers too. A big farewell might do you some good."

John sighed. "I don't want to do that, I don't want to lose my memory of her, Aeryn. I feel like I'm loosing that while I'm out here trying to avoid having my brain dissected by Sparky and his Barbie brigade."

"Who's Barbie?" Aeryn asked, interested in the name. "Is she one of your earth girlfriends?"

John smiled. He looked at her. "I'll explain later."

Aeryn nodded. "Take it from me Crighten. Maybe saying a second goodbye a second will help with some closure. I never got a real chance to say good to my mother. She just handed me off, apparently, to the peace-keepers like as I was nothing. I know it's not the same, maybe saying what you feel and addressing it to her, may help to find some peace. She wouldn't want you to torture yourself like this."

She moved in closer and gently kissed his cheek and then stood up to leave the room.

John watched her go and smiled. When she disappeared around the corner. He stood up and went over to the desk at the far end of the room and grabbed his IASA voice recorder. He hadn't used it In a long time. The last message he wrote was to his dad and everyone else back on earth. John liked Aeryn's idea of sending is mom one final message. It was something he would have thought of 59 cycles down the track on his death or mute bed.

John sighed again and started humming Whitney Houston's I will always love you. Then he stopped and turned to his comm device.

"Pilot are you there?" Asked John. He had an idea. If he was going to do this final message. He was going to sure he would have an audience for it. The Pilot. He trusted the Pilot. He was pretty original in terms of advice and John was still god smacked that He and Moya were interlinked with his spirit.

"Yes, Commander Crighten. I'm here. How are you feeling?" The Pilot asked.

John walked out of the room with his voice recorder in one hand. "I'm feeling a bit so and so. Still stunned, that I had a heart attack though."

"I believe Moya understands that a combination of stress caused your hear to over work itself." The Pilot said. "But it is good that you are feeling somewhat better. I am also glad."

"You mind if I come and hang out with you for a while? I want to do something for my mom and I want you and Moya to be my audience." John said. He was rather fond of both Moya and The Pilot. He knew Aeryn wasn't going to get upset over this, she just wanted him to do whatever he felt he needed to do to help him move forward.

"Moya and I are feel quite honoured. But what about Aeryn?" The Pilot answered.

"I think she'll be okay. She knows how important this will need to be." John said.

"Well thank you, Crighten. I am honoured to be apart of it. As is Moya." The Pilot said.

"Just give me a few microts." John said into his comm.

He pressed a button and the communication with the Pilot seized. He needed to go find Chiana. He felt bad for the way Aeryn treated her just before. Chianna didn't do anything. She just sat there and let him be, and didn't force him to say or do anything. It was one of Aeryn's best and worst traits of her personality, she can be protective of John but also be too over protective, in which not allowing Chianna or Zhann or D'argo being too close to him physically. He knew it wasn't her fault that was the way she was, but it did get annoying at times and every time she charged through, someone always ended up getting hurt emotionally, just like how he was right now.

He found Chianna in the food quarters sitting by herself just staring at the table. Rygel was sitting there eating as usual and looked up to see John walking about. He was pleasantly surprised and happy to see this.

John frowned. "Out of all the cycles I've known you have never smiled. At least to me, blubberbutt."

"Well…um…yeah. Don't get used to it. I am glad you are well again." Rygel said as he stuffed more food into his mouth and then spat some back out. "I think I ate too fast."

He then concentrated on Chiana. "Hey."

John sat down beside her and then turned to Rigel. "Hey , could you leave us alone? I just need to to chat with Chiana."

Rygel looked at John and then at a sad looking Chiana. He got the hint and took his food on his lap and high sped out of the room with the food he didn't want anyone else to touch. John sat beside her and gently stroked her face and wiped away those tears with his hand. Chianna looked up

"I hate it here." She said sadly.

"Why?" John asked quite surprised at how lonely she sounded in her voice. "Chiana, you're fitting in great. It took you a while to adjust to the rules and all, but you're doing a hell of a fucking job."

"You mean frelling everything up , and pissing your girlfriend off at every turn." Chiana said as she looked away from him.

John smiled. "Yeah she can be intense, and tough. You're young, you got a lot more to learn. But my advice is don't take her so personally. It's just the way she is."

He noticed her left eye was whelming up with tears again and embraced her in a hug and wiped the tears off her face again for her.

He kissed her forehead and didn't say anything else.

"I hope you're heart can take this." Chianna giggled. "I mean you don't have to babysit little old me and my problems. You got a lot on your mind."

"It's worth it, kiddo. You're like a sister I never had." John admitted. "Besides if I see you in pain, I'm in pain." Chiana smiled at that comment, she wanted to burst into tears again, as John smiled back, she jumped on him and they both fell to the ground, bursting into laughter.

John sat across from the Pilot in moya's chamber. He was fiddling with his tape recorder. Spinning it on the ground as if it was just a play toy. He was delaying sending a message to his mom. He knew he shouldn't be delaying, but he was. And it was a typical thing John would do. Everyone noticed that small bad habit. The Pilot looked at him curiously as he pressed button on the controls.

"Commander Crighten, Moya wants to know why you are spinning your audio machine. Aren't you going to pay tribute to your mom?" The Pilot asked with curiosity and concern. He liked Crighten, out of all the beings on this ship. He felt he was the only one that was true with his emotions and feelings. The Pilot did think the human was unique and odd, which made The Pilot and Moya even more curious about the way human reacted to situations and how he dealt the with the never ending conflicts with the crew on Moya.

His bigs eyes staring intently at John, waiting for an answer. He noticed John had stopped spinning his audio recorder around in circles and noticed his face dropping in sadness as he wiped away silent tears from his face. He clutched his chest, as a sharp pain throbbed.

"Commander Crighten?" Pilot asked, growing worried by John's pain. "I can sense more pain in you, as does Moya. You really should go see Zhann to prescribe something."

"I'm just a bit sad is all Pilot. I'm fine. It's hard to do this." John said as he got up and walked toward Pilot's control panel. "It's hard to pay tribute to someone you never had a chance to say goodbye."

"Why don't you just beat Rygel to death with one of your weapons and practice a goodbye speech on his untimely demise?" The Pilot asked.

John looked at him and gave him a smile through his tears. "Wow, I didn't think you had a vicious bone in your body."

"Push me to brink like Dominar Rygel does and you will see what vicious violent I can offer. Fortunately combine my connection with Moya, we can probably kill you all in a nano-second." The Pilot replied in a state of fact tone. "And with the temper you've had lately, we can tap into that and blow the crew to pieces."

John didn't know how or to even begin to respond to that so he just offered an advice but it was nice to know that The Pilot was capable of forcing some destructive horror upon the crew.

"Come on, I can do this." John said to himself. He raised the voice recorder to his lips but before he could say anything, D'argo's voice sounded on the comm device.

John groaned.

"Bad timing." The Pilot said. "What the frell do you want, D'argo?"

D'argo on the other end of the line was taken aback by The Pilot's rude tone and swearing. "I was just going to enquiry if you have seen John. I would like to have a drink with him. He seems to be ignoring most of us."

John just shook his head in annoyance. Can't anyone just let me do what I have to do in peace? Chiana wasn't as needy as you D'argo. I want to say goodbye to my mom, you me do that in peace and in my own way. Fuck you ALL! I don't mean that, I'm depressed. Lucky for you guys, you didn't hear that.

He turned around to see The Pilot blinking at him and let out a gigantic 'hehe." "Don't tell me you heard that?"

D'argo asked (confused)." What the frell are you talking about? Why are you with Pilot?"

"Is there any emergency commander hairball?" The Pilot asked. He was enjoying this new attitude.

John seemed to be quite surprised by The Pilot's random comments. He knew all too well, that The Pilot may take them back later, but this was an interesting experience.

"Why you -." D'argo snarled, but The Pilot can't off the communication and pressed some buttons on the pad. "It's you ,me and Moya now commander. She says you will not be interrupted by the others. Take your time with your speech. We'll be here listening and supporting you."

John walked around the console and put his hand on The Pilot's cheek and gave him a good pet and gently kissed him.

The Pilot looked stunned by John's generous kiss and quite embarrassed and forced a smile.

"You're a great friend, Pilot." John announced.

"As you are to me and Moya." The Pilot replied back.

John then turned away and walked back to the middle of the chamber and turned on the voice recorder.

He looked at Pilot as he began his tribute for his mom.

"Mom, when you died…." He bargain, his voice trailed off as tears formed in his eyes again. "Well….This is so hard. You left me Mom. I needed you. I was fourteen years old, I had no one to help me. Well I did, but I needed you. And that disease, that disease took you away from me. Me away from you. Away form Dad. Sarah and Luke. You left me too soon. I had so much that I wanted to share with you. I wanted to share with you what I achieved in the IASA space program. You know when I was about five and I said to you when I grew up and I wanted to live in space…..Well I'm doing it Mom. I'm living a kid's fantasy dream. And not by choice either."

John wiped the tears onto his sleep as it began to roll down his cheek. He hated crying, but he couldn't help it, and he hated other people watching it. Granted it was just The Pilot, there were some things that he would not have like to share He wish he could control his emotional behaviour, but he couldn't and learnt to just accept it as part of his trait.

"God, Mom…" He said into the receiver. "I am recording this, in the hopes that you'll get to hear it. But something tells me that you are hearing it now though. Living in space is going okay I suppose. I'm getting used to the food, I interbreed ed with a Peacekeeper named Aeryn-Sun. She's a fiery lady and keeps me in check. You might like her. She's probably what you will call "someone to help your son settle down. She makes me feel alive, mom. She's everything I wanted. She's someone I want to grow old with, and our baby, wow, I can't wait to have our baby. When she first told me about being pregnant, I got really angry with her, I told her to you know… …yeah don't go there mom…..But I'm having that family that you said I was going to have, I'm being adventurous though. Not having on earth. I'm rebelling aren't I?"

The pilot looked on in curiosity, as tears formed in his sockets. He knew what John was going through. His own guilt of leaving his family and never seeing them again ate at him at every solar day. He'd been travelling with moya for alot of cycles and he never got a chance to say goodbye to his parents on his planet. So he could understand John's woes.

John suddenly screamed. "WHY!? Why didn't you stay and fight!? I needed you! WE ALL NEEDED YOU!"

The Pilot looked on in horror as John fell to the ground clutching his face as the waterworks and howling came from John. The Pilot looked frightened, he never saw his friend like this before. It was a rather unsettling moment for him. He wasn't sure what to say or what to do. He thought about it with Moya about getting either Zhann or Aeryn in to the room, but he didn't want to betray John's trust and confidence.

John began to pound the hard marble floor with his fist, screaming and crying. "No matter what dad said, I can never accept this! I can't! I want you to know that, everyday without you , the days you missed! It hurts! Apart of me wants to die because I don't feel I have the right to exist without you guiding me!"

John was down on his knees holding onto his knees. "I can't do this Pilot!"

Pilot looked at him and raised one of his arms. "I believe you can, Commander Crighten. You were doing very well. You just have to remember the good thoughts about your mom. You can't keep torturing yourself like this. It is not good. Moya and I can feel your pain and we know you are hurting. You have to get through this for your own sake."

John looked at Pilot as he stood up.

"Come to me, Commander Crighten." The Pilot ordered.

John wiped the tears in his black t-shirt and walked over to The Pilot. He climbed over the control panel, John always liked to take short cuts, especially when it came to going to destinations in Moya.

"Take my hand, Commander."The Pilot offered out his left hand. "It's okay."

John cautiously took The Pilot's hand and sat beside the pilot.

He suddenly felt an energy swarm inside him that felt right. It felt good. John sat up straight as he looked at The Pilot. He felt warm inside, it was not necessarily a bad thing, he felt the Pilot was giving him some sort of strength, or power.

"What are you doing to me?" John asked cautiously, his face embracing the warm and inviting feeling. "Are you trying to take my pain away?"

"It hurts us, when you are in pain, Crighten." The Pilot. "Me so more, because the human emotions you experience ,my emotions are magnetized ten times and that of Moya's emotions. I am clearing your inner pain so you can say goodbye to your mother. Moya knows how you feel but she wants you to get through this."

John looked at The Pilot. "Okay. Is this how you feel every solar day.. Like you are on cloud nine?"

"It's a perfect harmony." The Pilot said. "It is just essence and being with no worries. We want you to be free from any pain so you can say goodbye to your mother properly."

John looked at The Plot and then turned on the voice recorder. He waited a few microns and then began talking again. "Mom, I know it wasn't your fault that you left us. The Cancer took you from us and I never got to deal with that properly or accept it. I guess now that I am flying in space endlessly trying to find my way home so I can be with my friends and family."

Aeryn was at the door, dejected and hurt by John's revelation, tears forming in her eyes.

"But I know I am never going to go home in this current life. The reason I can walk through this life, is because you gave me the strength to do it. You taught me how to stick up for myself. How to be kind and resourceful and patient." John smiled. He was thinking about a time when he ran away from home because his mom wouldn't buy him a chocolate bar.

Aeryn stood there watching John's smile spread across on his face as he recounted the story as the tears flew down from her face. She thought. How nice for John he had these memories to share of his mother, I had none of them.

"If my thirty-three year old brain serves me correctly, I asked for a choco-block bar and you said no… We were at the mall and I kept bugging you, I think I was about seven at the time. I remember when we got home I grabbed my Star-Trek backpack and ran off when you were not looking, or were you feeding the puppies? I can't remember, but I remember running away straight away. You found me at the mall later, paying for my own chocolate bar. I don't think you asked where I got the money from. Well I am about tell you - I stole it from your purse. I took a whole $50.00 and you didn't notice? Maybe you just did, and turned a blind eye." John smiled as he looked at Pilot. "I guess what I am trying to say is that you are still apart of me and I have memories that will forever keep me smiling. I know I can only wish for you to be here, but in the end that's a wish that I want to stay with me. I miss you mom. I hope you get this message, sometime, in some place. I'm just letting you know. "

Aeryn wiped the tears off her face again and looked away. Part of her wanted to hug John, but he didn't notice her presence so far. She watched him put the audio recorder on Pilot' control panel. He climbed over the control panels and sat beside Pilot.

"Very beautiful." The Pilot said. "Moya is very proud of you, as I am for saying goodbye and letting your mom into your heart."

John rested his head against Pilot and sighed. "For the first time, I feel like I've just said goodbye to my Mom. I just made peace with her."

Pilot didn't need to say anything. In that moment he and John both just sat and stared. John looked at Pilot and said.

"I have to thank you." John said. "You're a brother to me and you have to know that."

Pilot looked a bit agusted by the generosity of John. His eyes darted toward his friend. "I….I feel honoured. You're my brother too."

John smiled at The Pilot and gave him another kiss. "I'm not going to forget what you did for me today. I finally got to get everything out of me, you let me do it in my own way and not many people back home would have."

The Pilot watched as John climbed over the panel and headed toward the door. He turned back and looked at The Pilot fondly, The Pilot nodded back. There was no doubt a brotherly connection between these two developed further after today. It wasn't every day for John that an alien form out of space could help him with his emotional scares.

When he turned around and headed toward the door, Aeryn smiled and slowly approached him.

"Hey." John said, rather surprised to see her there, but relieved also. "How long have you been here?"

"Your speech was beautiful." Aeryn said as she rubbed his face with her head and caught the smile spreading on his face.

That's all John needed, he grabbed her and kissed her passionately. He then lead her out of the Pilot's chamber, and they began walking down the corridor.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I've been not my usual self. Being a human , the ONLY HUMAN, and not being able to reach out to your own kind, is really confronting." John said. "I know my breakdown is a bit confusing to all, but I'm here."

"John as long as you are healthy and be there for our son, we can face anything together." Aeryn smiled as she cuddled him. "I am so tempted to tickle you."

"Tickle me?" John asked with a laugh, quite playfully. "I thought I was to tickle you."

He makes a grab for her shirt and they embrace. They start giggling and chased each other down the hallway, Rygel was on his electric chair mumbling something bitchy about Chianna when all three of them collided with each other. Both Sebatian and Human falling onto the floor while Rygel went flying off his chair and hitting the floor, hard.

Rygel screamed. "Will you two stop playing kissy kissy, mushy mushy, and watch where you are going? You just debunked a Dominar."

John burst in laughter. For some reason he found that strangely erotic. "Kind of kinky."

Aeryn giggled as she tried to remain her composure. She saw Rygel pick himself up. And stared at them menacingly.

"He's going to make such a great babysitter. Our kid is going to have fun using him as a football." John remarked, teasing Rygel. He picked him up in his gave him a puzzled look up hearing the word 'football'.

"I'll explain later, it's a sport that I used to play." John said smiling.

"I do not baby sit. Kids do not like me, from any planet. God only knows what your kid will turn out to be. Half stupid-half Sebastian." Rygel complained as John put him back on his electric chair.

"Did we break your chair?" John asked, ignoring Rygel's grumbling but he was giggling with Aeryn, they thought the whole incident was never saw

Rygel took command of the handle of the electrical chair and it moved forward. "Lucky for you, you didn't. Does this mean you are not going to die on us?"

John touched Rygel's ears. "Aww, if I did you'd miss me, huh? And no, I am okay. Have to go see Zhann for a check up, she's worried about the blockages."

"You're full of facoids?" Asked Rygel.

"No, sparky. Don't worry I'll explain it all later." John said. He and Aeryn headed tor wards their shared quarters.

John layed down on the bed clutching his chest again. The sharp pains had returned again. He breathed in heavily to suck the pain out. He frowned. Maybe Zhann was right, maybe I should have taken it easy. Having a heart attack really takes the strength out of you. He laid back on his side of the bed and continued to breathe heavily. Another painful shot felt right through his heart. He sat up again, putting his hand on his heart.

"Okay, this is not good." He said. He was now worried. All the stress from earlier that day, maybe had finally taken a toll on him. All he knew that the pain was becoming more frequent.

Before he could get off the bed, Aeryn came back into the room. She was wearing a pink dress. To John, it looked like a formal dress woman wore to a ballroom or a dance competition, but it was apparently a pajamas for sebatians in this part of the galaxy.

"Did I hear you say something?" Aeryn asked.

"Oh, nah nothing to worry, wow you look smashing babe." John said as he watched her get into her side of the bed. She smiled at him.

She pull him in for a long juicy passionate kiss. Both of them hand their hands around each other, feeling each other as they got caught in each other for this passionate moment. John's lips locking around Aeryn's while her's also too locked into John's, John lay ed her down gently on the bed and continued to kiss her passionately as he put his right hand the back of her head and stroked her hair gently, feeling every bit of strand and smell of whatever beautiful essence she used to ensure it's flavour was smelt by him.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Aeryn." John whispered romantically. "I will always be yours, no matter where I am."

Aeryn looked into his handsome blue eyes. She wrapped her arms around his neck and said with a smile. "And I'm forever yours. Our child, is forever ours."

'And I can't honestly wait to be a dad." John said excitedly as he looked at his fiance e's face. "And I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to grow old with you, chase you around the ship with our walking sticks or frames and argue who's turn is it to rub body lotions on our backs…"

Although she didn't understand what body lotions were and what were walking frames were, Aeryn giggled at the part of them growing old together and chasing each-other around Moya or some other ship. She wouldn't have it any other way. Obviously in the thinking John would be more frailer then her, he'd have to play catch up.

As they succumbed to their desires, John rolled on top of his fiancee. They both moaned in arousement as they continued to kiss and enjoy each other tangled into the arm, without a care in the world. The breathlessness, court in their love as they felt the world spin as they began to reach the end of their love making.

"Oh, Aeryn, I love you." John said.

"I love you, John." She moaned in an aroused state.

The two finished and laid beside each other, both wrapped in each others as if letting go would mean the end of their love or the world.

Aeryn put her hands on John's chest and said. "I'm glad you are okay, you scared me. I really thought you were going to die."

John didn't know what to say to that, at that moment the pains in his chest were getting worse. But he forced a smile. If something was going to happen to him again, he didn't want Aeryn to see. He felt there was this prescene in the room, awaiting him. He wan't sure what it was, but it was not something he could tell Aeryn about it, as she would freak out. He knew cheated death with Zhann's help.

John turned to Aeryn and touched her face. He was stroking her face one more time, so he can feel his hand touch that gentle white pale skin. Aeryn was smiling.

"I like it when you touch my face like that. It's warm and inviting." Aeryn smiled as she continued to stroke his chest.

John smiled, but Aeryn noticed sweats pouring down his head.

"John, you're sweating." Aeryn said, growing alarmed. "Your skin is a bit pale."

"I'm okay." John reassured her, although deep down he knew he wasn't. He was scared that if his time was up, that he was going to die in front of Aeryn, and he didn't want her to see that. "Let's just get some sleep."

"As long as you are okay." Aeryn whispered, with a smile.

"I've got you next to me." John said as he let Aeryn snuggle up against him.

"In the morning, everything will be just as it was before all this, babe." John promised.

"Of course." Aeryn agreed. "Night, babe."

"Night,babe." John said as he watched Aeryn close her eyes.

John had awoken himself about three arns later. His chest was tightening against his breathe and he was struggling to breathe. He was gasping for air. He sat up. Exposing his chest to the cold that the room was feeling. He stood up and headed toward the dresser and put his hand on it to keep his balance. He turned around to see his beautiful Aeryn sleeping peacefully.

The more he stared and stared, the pain became more intense. His eyes were wide open with fear. John made a turn for the door, clutching the chest, where his heart was. He was grimacing in pain, becoming unbearable.

"John. My darling John.' A voice from behind him called. John turned around confused, to see his mother standing there in a bright light.

John's eyes went open with surprise. His face had fear written all over him. He looked god smacked. His mother was appearing to him. A strange glow appearing around her as the figure of his mother outlined the tier of the ship.

"Okay, now I know something is definitely wrong. I'm seeing you on here." John said in soft voice. He didn't show it, but seeing his mother in front of him scared him. It only could mean one thing. He was dying and that it was his time to go (again). Her blonde hair fluttering in the white light, her blue eyes glistening while the white cloth she was wearing covering her body fluttered as the bright light

"John, I love you and I am proud of you, but it's time to take my hand." His mom said. "It's time to go."

John looked at her. He had to fight this. This had to be some kind of trick. "You… you…I chose to live."

"John, you are not well. It's time to come home and tell me about your journey." She said. "Your time is now over. You have served your purpose. Please don't fight it. I know your friend should not have interfeared in the process. If she hadn't then you would have come to the decision as easily." The figure said.

John didn't quite understand. Zhann only advised him that he had two choices to make. "Are you fucking kidding me!? Don't blame Zhann. All she did was guide me that I had two choices."

"Her friends wanted you to make the wrong choice. You made the wrong choice and you are now suffering because of it." The figure said.

John looked at the figure. This wasn't his mother. "You're not my mother."

The figure looked at him and sighed.

"You may look like her. But she would not tell me just to give up. Why should I give up when the people I am around here make my life so good? I am going to be a hushand, and pretty soon, a dad. Don't you think I should ,, well you know, skip dying until at least I'm 90 cycles? Why don't you come back then?"

The Angel looked at him. "I am the angel of death. You are on my next list. I cannot just re-schedule you for your convenience. There is a natural order that holds the balance of the universe form your galaxy , to this galaxy. What Zhann did , was interrupt the process and in the result caused an in balance between the worlds. Your passing has to happen in order to correct that mistake."

John looked at her. "No, what Zhann did was risk her life , her spiritual being and powers to ensure that I came home and didn't die. I am not going to die. I am not leaving my unborn child nor am I leaving my Aeryn."

The angel's appearance of his mother dissapeared and turned into a grey skinned person , dressed in a black robe. He stepped out of the light and looked at John's condition. He looked at how sweaty John was, and the way he was clutching his chest. John screamed out in pain. He felt his heart beat beating quicker. He looked at the grey Angel of Death figure and tried to speak.

He opened his mouth but all he could feel was pain, and he could feel his whole body shake. He struggled to stand and caught the wall to keep from falling.

In the Pilot chamber, The Pilot could sense something was could sense that a sharp pain through his own body, that was happening to Crighten. He could feeL Moya sensing it too.

"I know, Moya. I can sense it too. Commander-Sun can you hear me?" Pilot sounded panicked. "I know Moya, he's on tier 5. He's not well, I can sense it. We need to help him."

Aeryn layed in the bed fast asleep as her comm device went off, but she continued to sleep. The exhaustion from making love to the man that she loved had hastened her sleep and she felt good and felt for the first time in her life on board Moya, could have a peaceful sleep. She pulled the covers closer to her face as she continued to sleep.

"Commander Sun, please, are you there? Please wake up. It is urgent." Pilot sounded more panicky as the pain sharpened.

He jerked forward and screamed in pain. The pilot's screams pieced through the chamber.


	3. Chapter 3

John fell to the floor screaming in pain, he had lost his balance, his heart had seized, the pain was now just throbbing at his chest. His screamed echoed through the hall as he fell onto his back. His eyes opening wide with fear as his heart began to cease and his breathing began to slow and stop. The pain still throbbing at him. His head hurting like a truck being wheeled over a rolly bin.

John's heart attack continued and as the lack of oxygen was being cut from his brain and unable to breathe, John's eyes rolled to the back of his head. Struggling to speak , struggling to plead with whatever that was He felt the life inside him slowly drain. He looked directly in front of him, avoiding any contact with the creature or whatever, that was doing this to him.

"I….Love…." John started to slowly say. John was barely breathing and moved his head away from him. "Love…you..Aeryn."

The scenery around him started to get dark, the figure that had approached him was gone. John stopped gasping for air. His eyes wide open and the darkness swept him. His hands falling onto the floor beside him, his right hand falling onto his naked chest and his head rolling onto one side. There was nothing left. John Crighten was dead. His eyes staring blankly at the DRDS that had stopped in front of him. The eyes of the TRDs flashing.

"Zhaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn !" Pilot's screamed echoed through the threshold of the ship. Chiana, D'argo, Zhann, Rygel and Aeryn both waking up to the Pilot's horrific screams. Strange and exhibit noises also echoing through the ship.

Zhann quickly stood up from her mediation position, looking extremely worried. "Pilot?" She screamed with extreme worry. During her mediation, she had sensed something about John. She felt something enter and then disappear into her own body. She felt a heavy dark spirit and evil and good swarm over her. She looked around to see if someone snuck into her room.

"Hey, Blue…." A voice said.

She turned around to see John standing there in a blue flannel shirt and jeans. She gasped in shock. "John, how on earth….?"

"Zhann…"He greeted.

Zhann looked into his eyes as she stepped closer to him, he was crying. She felt John's sadness and emptiness. Which could only mean one thing.

He was dead.

"No, please, no." Zhann screamed. She looked at him as he studied her face, the tears falling from his face slowly disappearing as he approached her.

"Oh god, what have I done!? I failed! I failed! I failed!" Zhann screamed all over and over. She rested her face into hear hands as John touched her on the shoulder.

"Zhann, you have to listen to ? Please look at me, Blue." He said in a serious tone.

Zhann looked up tears strolling down her blue face. She watched John's face as he used one of his hands to gently wipe the tears from her face.

D'argo and Chiana were hurrying from their quarters and running tor wards Pilots chamber.

"Pilot! Pilot! What's happening? What's going on?" D'argo screamed.

"Help him please!" The Pilot begged on the comm device. "Its' John, I can't sense him anymore."

Chiana looked worried. "Where is he Pilot?"

"Tier 5." The Pilot barely got out as he gasped for air. "I can barely function. The spirit connection has gone, I have experienced John's spirit is gone. Moya is in pain and she cannot function."

Chiana and D'argo quickly picked up their pace.

"Oh god, this is not good." Chiana said to D'argo as they quickly ran.

Aeryn was running at quick speed down the corridors. She was frantically screaming out for John. She didn't have her comm decide with her and had barely changed into her uniform.

"Oh god, John answer me!" She screamed. "Babe! BABE! ANSWER ME!"

Tears flowing from her as she ran into a split corridor. She sensed that something was happening The lights went out. Aeryn kept on running though, she needed to get to John. He was in trouble, she could feel it.

_Why didn't he just let me take him to Zhann?_ She thought to herself.

She bumped and tripped over something and her weapon went flying across the floor. She fell onto her stomach banging her head on the floor.

"Great." She mumbled to herself.

The lights flickered on at that moment and Aeryn looked around. It looked like she had just scraped her elbow. However, when she turned her Had she saw John's body lying next to her.

Her face turned almost white.

She then smiled. "Oh, you scared me. What on earth are you doing sleeping on the…"

Aeryn's smile disappeared form her face as her voice trailed off. She looked at John. She saw the vacant stare in his eyes. The way the body was lying on the floor, one hand on his naked chest and one hand sprawled across the floor. Her heart skipped a beat as she slowed her breathing. Not taking her eyes off him, she knelt down beside him.

"John, babe?, John?"

She continued to look into his vacant eyes that stared back at her.

Tears whelming up in her eyes as she touched him. She stroke her hands through his hair and looked down to see that he was not breathing. His skin was very cold. Aeryn looked gutted as she gently kissed his face.

"My, baby…My love…" Aeryn said as she burst into tears. He was dead and she knew it.

She rested her head against his chest and began to scream. A primeval scream that could be heard across the ship.

D'argo and Chiana heard Aeryn's primeval screams. They quickly opened up another door and headed down another corridor. They didn't waste any time as they continued to approach the horrrific screams. They were gaining closer and closer.

They stopped when they saw Aeryn lying along with John screaming and crying into his chest beside the wall in the tier 5 hallway.

Chiana and D'argo dropped their weapons from their hands.

"John!" D'argo screamed. He hurried over to Aeryn. "Quickly, we have to get him to Zhann! Now!"

Aeryn turned to D'argo, keeping her head on his chest, D'argo saw the tears flowing down her face. His eyes went wide as he realized that it was too late. His friend was dead.

"He's gone." Aeryn said softly. "John's dead, D'argo. He's gone."

She turned from him and looked at the face of the man she loved. She put her hands over his eyes, to close them and then rested herself against his body. She put her arms around him and did not want to let go.

Chiana burst into tears and softly cried out for her friend. "Crighten, no, no… NO!"

D'argo turned around, tears whelming up in his eyes, seeing Chiana fall to the ground upon hearing what Aeryn had just said., he headed over to her. And knelt down beside her.

He looked into her eyes.

She looked back and then said quietly. "Dip's gone."

She hugged D'argo and cried into his big chest.

Aeryn ignored Chillana's crying and D'argo's comforting her as she snuggled up against John. She looked at him. It was as if he was sleeping, but now she looked at him with sadness. Noticing the little things that death brings upon the body. Coldness, emptiness and lifelessness.

Tears rolled down her cheeks like a river as she held onto john's hand and brang it up slowly to her face as she kissed it. She didn't want to let go, so she kept it beside her as she sat up. Not caring about the other two shipmates who were grieving for their friend.

She was stunned beyond belief. The only one true person that could make her feel what it was like to love, be loved and just be a woman in her own right, was gone and all what was left of that love, was memories and an empty body lying beside her as she cradled John in her lap. She didn't care how heavy he was, she just wanted to hold him and never let go and hope that this was not a dream, but she opened her eyes to see that empty face staring back at her and leaned forward and gave him a long passionate kiss on the top of his forehead.

In Zhann's quarters she looked in horror as she saw John's spirit standing in front of her. She covered her mouth. She didn't know what to say, except cry. She had failed her friends. She failed to ensure John's survival. She failed as a spirtual guider and a priest.

"Blue…" John said. A favourite pet name for his friend. John looked at her and smiled, the tears disappeared form his face as he reached out to wipe away the tears form his face.

He touched her cheeks. Zhann closed her eyes as she felt the warmness of his spirit overwhelm her presence. The gentle hand of the human running down her right cheek. She felt the tears fall from her and away.

When she opened her eyes, she was not in her quarters. She was in some grey room. A light shining in the distance behind John. She could see him stepping forward. Everything was grey. In front of her , John stood. He was wearing his peace keeping clothing. He stood in front of her.

"What are we doing here?" Zhann asked.

"It's not your fault, Zhann." John stated. "It's my time to die."

"No it's not. You cannot decide your own fate. You leave that by chance and by the life that surrounds you. If everyone decided when they all were to die, then about a billion of us souls would not be in the galaxy today." Zhann rebutted. "It's a cop out John and you know it."

John sighed and cleared his throat. "You remember when you brought me to this place? United within me? Do you remember that? Do you remember the peaceful calm that swept over me as you healed me."

Zhann frowned but she knew what he was talking about.

"It's this peace thing. I'm at peace. When you came to me in my coma, you said I had to make a choice. I made the wrong choice, because you interrupted the process of what I had to go through. If this make sense to you then, then you need to president of my planet, I seem to be saying all this as if I know it, but I understand that there is a process and that the mistake made here was interrupting that process." John said. He smiled at her. "You helped me adjust to Moya, and you helped me understand what everything was about with you people, but there comes a time when the universe wants something and you can't fight it. I've learned and saw things, that nobody else in my world dreamed of, and for that matter you guys learnt about the human race and wormholes through me. Maybe my place was to show you that, that there are other beings in the universe that are living, sharing , acquiring…."

Zhann stepped forward. She was understanding every word he said and he touched her face again.

"You made me feel important." He continued. "Aeryn loved me and I loved her. But you showed me compassion when I first came here and showed me things that I couldn't understand and needed to understand. In a way I helped you do that too. Don't blame yourself for this, Zhann. You did what you thought was right."

Zhann looked at him barely containing her tears, realizing that a price had to come for her interference and that it was truly John's destiny to die.

"Come here, Bluey." John said.

Zhann approached him and smiled at him. "I wish it hadn't' come to this. Aeryn and the baby… they needed you."

"They will need you guys to look after them." John said. "I'll always be here watching, you just won't be able to see me is all. Remember, Hell Yeah!"

He added an enthusiastic scream to "Hell Yeah" and punched the air causing Zhann to let out a laugh and a huge beeming smile at her friend's spirit.

Before Zhann could say anything. She re-opened her eyes again and found herself sitting back on her bed in her quarters.

"John?" She called as she looked around. His spirit was no longer with her and she could sense it. She felt nothing. She looked around and found something on her table. She approached it and it was a medallion that John's father had given him. A voice echoed through the room.

"It's yours, Blue. He gave It to me for good luck. And I'm passing it on to you. Cherish it, Cherish what you can achieve and what you achieved. If you need to , look at it, reach that inner peace thing and let the calm flow thoughts through, if you ever find yourself doubting yourself. It's the one advice my dad gave me and it forever stuck with me, especially when I got my ex girlfriend pregnant. Good luck my friend. Will always be here for you." John's voice echoed. She smiled at cried at the same time as she looked at the medallion. She put it around her neck and looked into the mirror as she wore it. She noticed it had words inscribed on it. She looked at it closely. "_To have knowledge and spirit is to gain an insight, to have brave and coverage is destiny. Love, John._

She didn't know when that happened or how he inscribed it on the medallion, but the words of wisdom form John took her by surprise. He was many things in his life on board Moya, but a philosopher was not.

Zhann looked in the mirror and walked out of the room. When she found the others a while later, She found Aeryn cradling John in her lap. Tears flowing from her eyes. She and Zhann stared at each other.

"It's time." Zhann said in a rather soft tone. "We can't leave him here, Aeryn. We need to bring him to the medical for examination."

Upon hearing those words Aeryn's tears flew from her eyes like there was no tomorrow. A coldness of death and grief swept over in an instant. Aeryn didn't want to say goodbye. It would all be to real for her. She looked at Zhann begging for her not to take him away from her. "He needs me! He may not be there, but he needs me! Please Zhann don't take him from me! Please!"

She wrapped her arms around his body as she layed her head beside the dead body. Not caring that her fellow crew mates were watching, slightly upset by the grief that she showing. Rygel looked rather shocked. He didn't expect Aeryn to be in such state of emotion as she had never really shown that side of her before. It was hard to think of Aeryn as an ex-peacekeeper with emotions attached.

"No, no no!" Aeryn begged. "Please let me hug him for longer. He's cold and he needs me to warm him up. He needs me…."

Chiana and D'argo stood back as they watched Zhann wrestle with Aeryn.

Zhann held out her hand to stop Aeryn from pushing her away, she saw the hurt and grief, the deepness of the tears that was drilling down on her face. Zhann caught Aeryn as she fell into her arms.

Zhann stroked Aeryn's hair as she cried into her ches

"D'argo, could you get the trolly from the medical bay please?" Zhann asked rather quietly as she continued to allow Aeryn to sob into her shoulder.

D'argo nodded, but didn't say anything. He had to get away from here, seeing John's lifeless body was getting too much for him. He sprinted down the hallway. Chiana following straight behind him.

Rygel had been hanging back at the side of the corridor. His low facial expression and his small whimper as tears formed, was heard by Zhann. Who looked up and saw Rygel standing there , with his chair. He walked up to John's body and put a hand on John's leg.

Rygel didn't say anything. He was in disbelief. "Zhann….tell me?.. Is he at peace?"

Zhann looked at Rygel and nodded.

Rygel looked at her, still saddened by the fact that they were talking about their crew mate as a dead person now. "Oh my friend, how I will miss you."

He turned to see Aeryn raise her head up from Zhann and she turned to reveal to Rygel her puffy greif-stricken face.

"Come here, you pompous bitch. Give me a hug." Rygel said bursting into tears. His howls echoing through the hallways of Moya.

Aeryn allowed Rygel to walk over to her, She patted his head and then touched his face. "He's gone."

Rygel looked at her sadly. He hopped into her lap and gave her a hug, which she reciprocated, but shocked because Rygel wasn't that big on showing anyone his emotions to anyone.

Zhann looked at the unfolding scene between the two crew mates, stunned and with a smile. She thought to herself. _Aeryn has the strength to get through this, John. We're going to make sure of it._

Within a couple arns, D'argo, Zhann and Chianna removed John's body from the hallway. He was now in the medical bay on the table. Zhann had to perform some body scans on him electronically to do a survey of his organs and to find out the cause of death. But she knew what it was. It was what everyone had feared, he had another heat attack. A bigger one than the last one.

Zhann looked at the results of the test and sadly put the test results beside the body. Looking at John, she sighed sadly. "It's not going to be the same without you, John Creighton." She covered him with the white sheet and burst into tears again.

She sighed as she just stared into space and then at John as she surrounded herself in the darkness as she turned the lights out in the medical bay.

A few days later Aeryn was in the food quarters with Rygel. Rygel was hungry again and in times of sadness and grief his stomachs ached for food. Anything, not specific food, he would eat anything. At one time he even ate John's shoe-lace, thinking it was Megahetti. It was an unpleasant experience for all when they had to manually extract it from Rygel, having it blocked his digestive system.

Aeryn was staring into her food, not even bothering to eat it. Everything was reminding of her John. The food, the plates, and the room. She looked up.

Rygel looked at her and whimpered. "You're not hungry?"

Aeryn looked at him. "You want my food?"

Rygel didn't know how to reply to that, he just whimpered again, he just wanted to see how she was, but he could understand the question, she didn't mean to attack him, but he simply tried to ignore it and take no offense to it. She was greiving and he understood that there were going to be some tough times ahead.

She sighed and reached out her hand patted Rygel on the head. "I'm sorry, Rygel. You didn't deserve that. You have been surprisingly comforting."

"I am Dominar Rygel." Rygel announced. "Comfort and cozy to all in that who need me."

Aeryn didn't smile she turned back to her food and stared at it glumly. "You know what shits me about this? He made me fall in love with him, he made me love him, and made me want to marry him. And have his child. We fought like frell to ensure that we would be together, and now what does he do, he dies on me! How cruel is that!"

Rygel noted that her anger was coming from her grief, so he kept his mouth shut. He was deciding though If he should eat the Frollocks buscuit first or the Lattimop Candy first. It was a hard decision, but he kept the thoughts to himself though.

He decided eating was inappropriate and threw the plates on the floor.

Aeryn sat up straight, upon hearing the crash of the food. "What on frell are you doing?"

She looked at him as he swivelled his chair and headed toward her. He parked his chair beside her and put his head on her left arm.

Aeryn sighed.

"It's going to be okay. Uncle Rygel will take care of you." Rygel said with a bit of humor. He rubbed his head against her shoulder to provide some warmth and comfort. Although Aeryn didn't particular care about anything at this precise moment, she appreciated the kind gesture that Rygel was giving her.

In Pilot's chamber, he was taking John's death the hardest. He was whimpering and he had stopped operating Moya's controls. Chiana was by the door watching the poor alien creature shake his head in sadness. She slowly walked over to him.

"Hey, Pilot, how are you doing?" She asked as she stood there looking at the sadness on his face.

She caught the sadness in his voice and face.

"John Crighten is no more." The Pilot said. "Moya and I are very sad."

Chiana walked up to him and sat on the controls, careful not to sit on any of the important buttons. "I miss Dip too. I know he hasn't been gone long, but … he..…"

"Gone."The Pilot finished. "Moya refuses to move anywhere unless we come under attack, she's very upset and feels if she moves she may do something that may jeopardise the rest of us."

"How is she coping?" Chianna asked as she sat crossed leg.

The Pilot snapped. "Are you deaf and dumb, Chiana? I just told you, she's very upset as am I."

Chiana looked rather shocked by The Pilot's hurtful words, but she didn't call him out on it, everyone was on edge at the moment with their grief. She couldn't find D'argo anywhere in the ship, he was obviously dealing with the grief of loosing his friend in own way.

Pilot looked rather guilty for having spoken out of turn to Chianna. "I'm sorry Chiana, that was uncalled for."

He sighed depressingly. He looked at the controls. "It is difficult to process why John died. Why so young."

Chiana looked at him. "I can't explain it either, Pilot."

"I loved our little chats. He would often tell me stories about dolphins late into the night." Pilot said with fondness.

"Dolphins? What are they?" Chiana asked, quite interested, having never heard of the word or that kind of species before.

"Commander Crighten would often tell me about them. They are sea creatures. I wasn't paying attention half the time when he spoke, but from what I gather, they are rather peaceful creatures, like I am." Pilot explained.

Chiana thought it was cute that she wasn't the only who didn't have a much longer attention span. "Glad to see I am not the only one around here, who drifts in out and of listening to the others."

She giggled and then stopped herself. She felt guilty for one else was laughing on thes hip. Everyone was dealing with the process of John's death in their own way. She even kept out of the way from Aeryn, in fear and in part that Chiana may do something or say something stupid.

Chiana remembered the ever last conversation she had with her best friend. She smiled as John was so nice to her after she and Aeryn had that fight. She didn't think of it as a fight, more like a bullying tactic. She loved how John was always giving her advice and ensuring she was okay, no one else on the ship was looking out for her. She had found someone that she could trust, and she knew that because she knew John was still struggling to find himself on Moya even though he had a picture-perfect relationship with Aeryn For her John's death meant it was a sign that she couldn't outrun or outlive her own demons and may just return home.

"Moya says we're coming upon a planet that may be the perfect spot for John to be laid to rest."Pilot said, rather unsure. "Would you please get the others?"

Chiana looked at Pilot, shocked at what Moya and Pilot had discovered. She was very unsure whether to announce it to everyone.

"It's okay, Chiana. Maybe talk with Zhann first." Pilot suggested. "I need to confirm with Moya, if this planet is inhabitant and safe to land."

Chiana nodded. She walked out of the chamber to find Zhann.

D'argo was in John's ship. He had been sitting in it for a good one arn, just looking at it, and trying to imagine his friend having come through a worm hole. D'argo was imagining, hoping that this was nightmare and that he would wake up. But it wasn't so.

He looked at the cockpit and the controls. He envisioned what John had to be doing when he had come through that wormhole. He tried to envision his face. D'argo sighed. He missed his best friend.

He never got a chance to say his sorry for the cruel things that he said to John about his mom and her illness a solar day before he died. D'argo hated that feeling that consumed him with that.

_John was on the command checking out some co-ordinates the Pilot gave him. He had just finished having another argument with D'argo. This one really upset him. D'argo was furious that John spent little time with him anymore. They hardly went out and scouted planets, D'argo was getting the back ride of the friendship and he was not happy about it._

_D'argo was watching John from the doorway. He had cruelly been vicious about everything John represented and what he was and to his volatile but blissful relationship with Aeryn._

"_Hey, frell weed!" D'argo screamed._

_John turned around, nearly jumping out of the skin. He looked angry and upset at the same time, his eyes were red from crying. "Go away, D'argo, I'm not doing this again with you."_

"_I haven't finished what I had to say to you." D'argo angrily approached him. "Why did you just walk off last that?"_

"_Pilot wanted me to check on some co-ordinates. He and Moya are concerned about them." John said, not looking at him in the eye. "I'm not going to go into round three with you, D'argo. I don't want to keep on fighting. It's draining me, and I've no energy left."_

_D'argo just scoffed at that. "Well stop treating me like as if I don't exist."_

"_Is this about me?" Chiana chimed in. D'argo didn't notice her at the other console._

"_Shutup keyhole." D'argo screamed at her._

"_I think you meant to say' asshole' and don't scream at my friend like that!" John screamed , this time turning around getting into his face. Defending Chiana against D'argo's agressiveness._

_Chiana just stood there and said. "Uh is this a private moment, did you want me to go and check supplies?"_

"_It would be a good idea, thanks, pip." John said, keeping his eyes on D'argo, Stepping up toward him. D'argo stepped forward as well, the once close friends now filled with both hatred in their eyes. _

"_Don't do this to me, D'argo. You' know I have always backed you up. You are still my best friend." John said in a low voice. "Don't make me an enemy."_

"_You did that on your own, when you decided to ditch our friendship so you can play happy house with Aeryn!" D'argo screamed. "Look , Crighten, friendship is two ways. I always have to chase you to do a catch up. You never seem interested anymore."_

_John looked at him. "Not true!"_

"_ ." D'argo said as he pushed John out of the way. "You know , maybe you have issues with having real friends because of the way your mom died. What did you she died from? Cancer? More like stress from having to deal with an arrogant self centred obsessed with wormholes like you for a son! If the cancer didn't kill her, then you certainly did."_

_John screamed. He closed his eyes and punched the console , not meaning too. Zhann and Aeryn had heard all the screams from Zhann's quarters and came in to see what was happening, just in time to see John land a punch in D'argo's face. It had so much force it even knocked D'argo over onto the ground.D'argo was completely surprised by John's punch._

_Aeryn and Zhann approached them._

"_Enough, of this, both of you. You are distressing Moya with this agressive behavior. What has gotten into you two?"Zhann asked quite sternly._

_Aeryn walked over to John to check out his hand, it was bleeding. "Wow , that was some punch."_

_John ignored her and continued to stare at D'argo , anger still residing within him. He felt a huge sharp pain in his chest and put his hand on it. He gasped for a bit of breathe._

"_John, are you alright, you look sick? Maybe, Zhann should check you over." Aeryn suggested as she led him away from D'argo._

"_I'm fine, but fine, just get me away from him." John said trying to fight back tears. "I do not want to speak to him again. Keep him away from me."_

_D'argo just scoffed and went back at his controls, leaving Aeryn to watch as Zhann led John to the medic bay._

"_What the frell is your problem?" Aeryn asked. "What is going on between you two?"_

"_Nothing now." D'argo said as he ignored Aeryn. "You got what you wanted."_

"_Excuse me?" Aeryn screamed completely surprised by D'argo childish accusation. She realized that this was not just some petty argument, it was about her relationship with John, and his relationship with John. Aeryn realized he was jealous. He didn't have Chiana to boss around, and now he was left out of his friendship with John. Aeryn wanted to head bang the console. This was the kind of stuff she didn't have to deal with when she was a Peacekeeper. There was no time for it. You weren't trained to be emotional or jealous. You were trained to be a peacekeeper. Action. Guns. Pilot. Prowler. That is all._

"_Wow, you're jealous. I get seriously, acting like one of those earth brats, is not what I would do to go around and sorting things out with your best friend. John still considers you his best friend on this ship." Aeryn said to him calmly. _

"_Yeah well, I don't see it that way. He spends more time on his own or with you, I offer to take him out on my ship or catch up for drinks, he says 'no' every time. I don't know what the frell I did, so I just assumed it's because he has a new rubber toy to play with." He eyed her carefully as he spilt his guts. _

_Aeryn let that insult ride off her back. "What you said to him about his mother, that's unforgivable\e. John went through a frell of a time with his mom being ill, he told us that because he trusts us. For you to throw it back to him because he didn't want to go on a friendship -date, I won't be expecting him to talk to you anytime soon." Aeryn said. She sighed, D'argo said nothing but continued to look at the view in front of him. Purposeful avoiding Aeryn's glare._

_She sighed. "D'argo, you may be a warrior , but when it comes to relationships, you quite suck at it."_

_She then turned and furiously walked away, shaking her head._

D'argo wiped tears from his eyes as he rested his head against the pilot's seat of John's spacecraft. He looked around to see Aeryn and Rygel approaching. D'argo called out to her.

She ignored him at first and turned around when she saw him he was in the IASA spacecraft. A fuming look spread across her face.

Rygel quickly sensing that a fight was about to happen, tried to lead Aeryn away from D'argo, fearing that she'll meet a fate worse then John's death, a lexon punch. "Let's just go, Aeryn. Let him be. He's grieving."

"Greiving. My ass!" Aeryn screamed as she hurled a bottle toward D'argo's head. He ducked just in time and the bottle landed behind him in the cockpit. The bottle shattering around him. D'argo looked at the smashed bottle in shock. He looked at Aeryn and saw her face. The scowling and the eyes that housed all her anger.

D'argo stood up and climbed out of the cockpit. He headed toward her. "Hey, he was my friend! My best friend and he's dead! I wanted to…"

"Wanted to what? Steal his ship!? Or wreck it! You weren't his friend, by your own idiotic mouth, you wrecked it before he died." Aeryn screamed, tears whelming up in her eyes. "Seeing you sitting in John's spacecraft, makes me so angry, D'argo. Especially the way you treated him in the last 72 hours of his life. He died knowing that you hated him, did you know that? He told me you hated him, and he missed you. He was devastated!"

D'argo's anger subsided. He was loss for words. It made everything even more worse.

"I know he meant what he said that he wanted you to stay away from him, because let's face it John carried a lot of grudges against all of us,but I know deep down inside his heart, he hurt ed for you. He cried himself to sleep because of what you said to him. He cried because of that and he missed his own best friend. How can I allow you to sit in that ship and not think about the hurt you caused him!?"

"I never hated him. I was angry with him!" D'argo screamed throwing his sword to the ground. "John's dead and I won't have the opportunity to tell him how sorry I was."

Rygel looked sad as the two continued to argue. It put into perspective for him , his own thoughts and feelings about Johns' death and he was glad that he had a nice relationship with the human.

"Please, enough!" Rygel screamed.

The two stopped arguing and looked at Rygel, they had a surprised look on their faces. The Hynaninan never usually raised his voice to any of the moya crew.

"It's hard enough that John is dead. But all this fighting is not what he would have wanted." Rygel sighed and looked at Aeryn. "He wouldn't want you to blame D'argo for anything. Things happen for reason. To test, loyality and strength and of course our testicles."

D'argo frowned at the last part. Aeryn folded her arms. She clearly was confused.

"It's one of Crighten's many sayings. I know. Odd." Rygel said with a sad smile. "We have to say goodbye to him to soon, we all going to need our strength to do that. I won't be able to do it on my own. Neither will Pilot, Chiana or Zhann. Would it be too much to ask to put your squabbles aside and give John the proper send off he deserves , you selfish magnificent, army cadet wannabe, fat, prickly, monster, whiny imbeciles!?"

He then gave them each a death look to show them that he was serious and then sped away on his electric chair.

D'argo looked rather godsmacked by Rygel's words.

Aeryn looked at him. "He's been quite comforting the last couple days."

"He is right." D'argo said forceably. "We have to be united."

"I agree." Aeryn said as she put her hand on her hips. "My husband deserves to have a peaceful send off. I'm willing to put our differences aside, so you can be there to officiate it."

D'argo looked at her quit surprised by her gesture. He never officiated a funeral before, and was quite godsmacked that Aeryn gave that honour to him. "Me?"

"Yes." Aeryn said with a slight smile as tears whelmed up in her eyes again. "I would be honoured. He would have wanted that."

D'argo and Aeryn looked at each other for a moment. A sense of peace of silence taht fell between them and slowly embraced eachother with a hug. Both crying into eachother's shoulders.

A few Solar days later, Aeryn had been wondering the tiers , breathing in and trying to imagine what John's last thoughts would have been before he died. She had discovered a holographic image of him and Pilot in his old quarters. She had decided to go through his stuff with Chiana's help. Sorting out the things that she wanted to keep and did not want to keep. She found a letter address to her from John but so far didn't have the courage to open it. She feared It would be a goodbye message from him. She headed into Pilot' chamber. She found Pilot talking with D'argo. Aeryn cleared her throat and both of her colleagues looked up.

"Aeryn, we were just about to come and talk to you." Pilot said. "As I earlier explained to Chiana when she was in here, we may have found a planet where John could be buried. It is quite similar to earth and he has been there before. With your permission, Moya would like to set co-ordinates and allow D'argo and the others to investigate the suitability of the planet for Commander Crighten's funderal."

Aeryn's heart stung. Sadness swept over her again, as she began to hold back tears again. It was nearing time to have the funeral, and to say goodbye to her love. No more delays now.

"Aeryn?" D'argo asked gently as he approached her. "Are you okay?"

He watched as the tears whelmed up in her eyes. He put a hand on her shoulder.

Pilot looked at both his friend , he knew that Aeryn was finding it extremely difficult to comprehend and to make a decision. But he believed that she would make the right always did. Especially now since they all needed to be around her and to support her.

Aeryn wanted to throw up at the thought of having to bury her John. Her love. She looked at D'argo. "It's just all…I just can't believe this is happening. John is dead and we have to bury him. Apart of me doesn't think it's true."

D'argo and Pilot remained silent.  
Aeryn looked at Pilot. "What planet did Moya find?"

"It's an inhabited planet. It's called Gruccin. My data bank does not have much information apart from that. I do take note it does have a cemetery of some kind to celebrate the life of one who has ceased to exist." Pilot said. "Moya suggests that one or more of you check it out and maybe if you are feeling up to it Aeryn."

"I don't think I can." Aeryn shook her head rather immediate. She was too scared, without John beside her, she shuddered to think what could happen if they were ambushed on the Giccon planet.

"Chiana and I will go." D'argo reassured. "You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do."

"Thanks, could you leave Pilot and I alone. I need to chat with him privately." Aeryn said to D'argo. D'argo nodded and immediately left the chamber.

"What is it?" Pilot asked softly as he watched her approach his console.

Aeryn slightly smiled. "I know you and John were quite close and I was going through his things - before Rygel will - and I find this holographic image of you and him, I thought you might like to have it."

She put the holographic device on his console and pressed a button and a holographic image of John and Pilot appeared. It had John leaning against the Pilot in a goofy pose, while Pilot's face looked rather calm and confused, his eyes just staring intensely into the beam of the photographic imagery sector. Pilot noticed Aeryn staring intently at the gooffy John pose in the holographic device. He watched her burst into tears again.

He closed it off for her. Obviously sensing the pain that she was in for the loss of her husband.

"I'm sorry, Pilot." Aeryn cried. She climbed over and sat beside him.

"It's okay, Aeryn." Pilot reassured her. He felt a bit sad. "I still don't know what to do or to say."

"I can't believe he's gone. It hits and then it doesn't, and then it hits again. I feel like I'm loosing it." Aeryn said as she wiped the tears onto her sleeves.

"You are grieving for him. There's nothing wrong with that." Pilot reassured again. He wanted to keep his statements short and to the point, he felt so sad for Aeryn, he was worried he may something stupid. But so far so good. He wasn't like Rygel.

Aeryn turned to Pilot. "Oh Pilot, I am so so so so sorry for what I did to you!"

She knelt her head beside him and Pilot looked rather surprised. "It's okay. was the past. You are a good person now. Not a peacekeeper."

"I should have seen how much pain you were in! I should not have kept on shooting to make you connect with Moya. I saw how it was wrong but I sat there and did nothing. I should have stopped Velorek from killing the original Pilot to Moya." Aeryn said ract with guilt.

"Aeryn, you had no choice. And you did not shoot her. We discussed this. Moya and I do not blame your actions. Her fate was sealed as soon as Velorek recruited me from my planet. It is my fault that she met her fate the way she did. But we must not do this to each other." Pilot said. "John would not want you to do this to yourself. Blaming yourself is not going to bring either of them back."

Aeryn looked at him, with those teary eyes. "John had my back when everyone was condeming me. Why couldn't I be there for him now? Why couldn't I save him!? I should have been there, he died alone out in the tiers, alone! Do you get that Pilot? He suffered alone! I should have been there!"

Pilot embraced the inconsolable Aeryn by his side. He let out a slight tear from his eyes as she said "ssh." To her gently, ensuring that she was safe in his hands as she cried.

D'argo and Chiana had just landed on the Giccon had landed in a tangle of bush shrubs. The sunlight was a bright orange colour and it filled the planet with the sunset effect. There was hardly any life to where they had landed. Chiana cautiously approached a tree, with her "Rygel" gun. She had decided to her name her gun Rygel, like John had named his Wyona. She felt it gave her a sense of closeness to her "buddy."

"These trees look frelled. They're mixed in with a kind of red and green colour." Chiana noticed with a disgusting look.

D'argo looked around, he didn't sense anyone around. He walked up to Chiana. "I'm not like this planet. The colour is a bit…"

"It's probably just evening-solar…." Chiana chimed in. "Should we check this out seperetly?"

"No." D'argo said seriously in a whisper. "We will stick together."

"Sure." Chiana said. They both started walking in the direction away from their transport pod. As they did they looked around at more of their surroundings. They saw that they were on a hill and that further from them there seemed to be a below hill grass land. As they walked , they saw the scene in front of them fold through their very eyes. When they reached the end of the hill they saw a grass field full of cemetery head stones. People walking around them, obviously grievers, who had come to visit their loved ones. There was many different types of plants forming in the distance. The sky was calm blue mixed with light yellow which caused Chiana to drop her mouth open.

"What the frell? How on earth did the planet do that? Wasn't the sky like sort of organey a moment ago?" Chiana asked as she scratched her head.

D'argo looked back torward the direction they came from. Chiana was right, the colour in the sky in the woods reflected the orange type colour that they had seen but as soon as he turned his head watching the cemetery on the ground below them, he saw the new colours in the sky.

"Wow." D'argo said, not offering much else to say. "This is actually a cemetery planet."

"It is? How come we have never heard of it before?" Asked Chiana.

"Well if this is the one that I am thinking of that shows up in orbit after one of your loved ones has passed away, then I think we should at least consider burying John here." D'argo said.

Chiana looked down at her feet and sighed depressingly. D'argo looked at her, noticing how quiet she had become.

He sighed, not realizing that it had been extremely difficult for her to comprehend John's death. "I'm sorry, that was a bit insensitive."

"No, it's o-o-okay." Chiana stammered. "I just.. Buried..and John in the same sentence…it makes it all too real."

"I know." D'argo said. "But we have to. He's gone. He's dead. We have to say a farewell and send him off to wherever human souls go."

Chiana nodded and put a hand on D'argo shoulders. "We should transmit this image to Pilot and Aeryn. She should see how peaceful this place is."

"I know." D'argo said.

"Then frelling do it already!' Chiana impatiantly commanded.

D'argo gave her a look and just growled. He hated it when Chiana got all wound up, but under the circumstances they were all under lately, he did not blame her, so he quickly got back onto the comms to talk with Pilot.


	4. Chapter 4

In the Pilot's chamber, Aeryn was listening into onto on D'argo and what he found on the planet. Apart of her wanted to yell, to kick, to scream and to tell D'argo to frell off that this was not going to happen. But she knew deep down John had to be buried. Zhann wasn't sure how long she could keep his body in a cool liked temperature in the med bay.

D'argo explained to both Pilot and Aeryn that the planet is peaceful and John would finally get that rest he deserved here. Aeryn listened as D'argo said that he and Chiana were planning on talking to some of the people around here. So far everything about the planet was legit. D'argo offered that John should be buried here.

Aeryn nodded and looked at Pilot. "I have to come and see for it for myself. But I have to do something first. Can you meet me back here in the hangar in about a half an arn to pick me up,D'argo?"

D'argo responded. "Sure."

"And please tell Chiana that she does not need to stay there. I don't want her messing this up. In fact tell her that she should come back with you now." Aeryn ordered. Her emotion in her voice was gone, and her voice was flat. Pilot noticed this.

"Are you okay?" Asked Pilot.

Aeryn turned away from Pilot and breathed in, ready to make the most difficult journey that she would ever face.

"Aeryn?" Pilot called after her.

It pained her to ignore Pilot, but she continued to walk away, leaving the Pilot alone in his chamber.

Zhann was walking down the corridors of the Tier past John's old quarters. She stopped dead in her tracks and stared it at the moment. Trying to remember when the last time John may have used it or she may have a decent discussion with John about her spiritual goals. For Zhann, he had been a comforting friend. Something about his innocence he had , ensured the two had a trusting and loving friendship. Zhann would often confide and ask for John's advice on matters of her spiritual journey, and to her surprise she found solice in the answers he provided. Zhann couldn't help but think of John's ghost appearing before her.

Zhann missed him dearly and needed to grieve for him in a way that she only could, by herself and without anyone bothering her. She had cut her contact with everyone else, (not that Zhann would think Aeryn would notice, given what's happened) so she could be united in her grief in her own.

Zhann could never remember what it was like to have someone share or at least try and understand her own belief and her spiritual journey. The other members of the moya crew didn't care for her peaceful and spiritual journeys or sayings, so before John came along she was alone and was only offered consultancy when they were being chased by Peacekeepers.

Zhann wanted to go into his quarters. But she didn't think it would be appropriate. She looked at the stuff that was in his old quarters. Clothes that had been sitting on the bed unfolded, and other items that Zhann didn't recognize on the bench.

She wiped tears off her face with her left hand.

"Zhann." A voice behind her called.

Zhann almost jumped from her spot she quickly spun around to see Aeryn standing there. She was fully dressed in her peacekeeper gear and adjusting her weapons belt.

"You scared me." Zhann said with a sigh of relief.

"What are you doing here? Where have you been?" Aeryn asked. Her voice was enquiring and also concerned for her firend. She hadn't seen Zhann in nearly two solar days, and it wasn't like Zhann to keep to herself, at least from Aeryn's perspective. She figured that she would be rallying around trying to get everyone to talk about how they were coping over John's death, but it didn't appear to be that way.

"Oh, I have been around." Zhann said. She didn't want to say anything to upset Aeryn. She knew Aeryn didn't believe in spirits or anything that had a religious under stone to it so Zhann decided it was best to spare Aeryn any of that. So she just acted as if nothing was wrong.

"Around where?" Aeryn asked. "Look I have not seen you for two solar days and I now find you standing at John's old quarters. Are you having a moment? You preying for him?"

"No, no, no no, nothing like that. If I was going to do something like that. Preying for someone, I would mediate and prey in my own quarters. I wouldn't do so in front of anyone to offend them, especially of what's recently transpired." Zhann said.

Aeryn didn't know what Zhann was doing or what was wrong with her, but she didn't have time for this. She needed to go and meet D'argo at the hangar so she could check out this planet for John's burial.

She was about to go when Zhann grabbed her.

"He's at peace.I 've seen him. He's okay." Zhann said, immediately regretting what she was saying to Aeryn. In her thinking she thought that what she was going to tell Aeryn about John appearing before her as a spirit would give her comfort, but Aeryn's grief was evident but she couldn't help herself. "He is in a good place now. Aeryn. He misses you and he loves you and will be watching…"

Aeryn burst into tears and angrily pushed Zhann, she hit her head on the quarters door. "SHUTUP! SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP YOUR FRELLING MOUTH!"

Zhann looked at Aeryn, her grief apparent as she realized that Aeryn wasn't ready to hear about John and how he appeared before her. "I am not doing this to hurt you. He came to me. I connected with him."

"No, no! You're not doing this, I am not listening to this frell!" Aeryn screamed as she stormed off. "How dare you do this to me!? I can barely function and deal with the fact that John, my love of my live is dead. And you spewing out this garbage to me!? Spirits and crap? He came before you!? Are you sick in the head? Do you get your thrills off thriving off other peoples pain?"

Zhann burst into tears as she watched Aeryn cover her eyes. "I'm sorry, Aeryn, but I am not making this up. You need to know that he is okay. You need to take comfort-."

"No!" Aeryn screamed pushing Zhann again. Chiana, D'argo and Rygel had heard the fight from down the tier, but Pilot had alerted them and had approached the two woman. D'argo was about to get into the middle of it, but Aeryn saw him and told him not to get involved.

"No, Zhann!" Aeryn shouted through her tears. "My John is dead. The only person I could love, and will probably ever love, is dead. I need him with me. Right now. Right now! He is not here with me. Do you get that? Do you know what I am going through? I lost my love. I can't listen to you say that he's at 'peace' because his so called 'spirit' told you! Do you know how cruel that is!? Frell you!"

She turned around to see D'argo, Chiana and Rygel watching her. All of them looked sad and uncomfortable. Zhann had burst into tears.

"Are you ready?" Asked Aeryn as she composed herself, she gave D'argo a look of stern and fury. "Because I don't want to be on this ship at the moment with that blue bitch."

She then stormed off. "I'll be in the transport pod!"

Zhann watched as her friend stormed off, tears flowing from her own eyes. "My goddess, I am so so sorry."

Rygel floated toward her a stern look on his face. "Are you frelling up yourself? What were you thinking? Can't you see that Aeryn doesn't need of your stupid dren? She just lost Crighten and she's grieving. You of all people , I thought would understand the process!"

"I didn't plan on it, Rygel. You have to believe me but it did happen and I thought I could offer her some comfort. His spirit did contact me and he was so calm. He told me that we had to look after Aeryn and his child." Zhann screamed back in tears. "I did not plan on doing this the way I did. I've been locked up in my quarters, dealing with John's death the only way I know how."

"Still, it was really a bad judgement call on your part." Chiana chimed in. She looked at Zhann. "We're all trying to process his death in our own way. What you did to Aeryn - she wasn't ready for. You can't blame her for reacting the way she did."

Zhann sighed depressingly. "I feel I have made her grieving worse."

D'argo put a hand on her shoulder. "Zhann, you were just trying to help. I know you. It's what you do. Don't feel too bad. Everyone's emotions is running high."

"I can't believe your defending her!" Chiana screamed.

D'argo snapped at Chiana. "Everyone makes mistakes, everyone grieves differently. I treated John just as bad when he was alive, I can't condemn her for only trying to help her. Aeryn may not have wanted it and granted it was the wrong time but Zhann is trying to process John's death in the only way she can."

"He was my best friend, the only one I truly connected with here! I am finding it as much difficult as you all are!" Zhann screamed in tears. Her original thought was right. I should have just stayed in my quarters!

Zhann ran off her furious tears of grief echoing down the tiers.

"I want to kill that plant, I really do." Rygel growled.

"Shutup, Rygel." D'argo warned. "Is it possible for you two to behave yourselves while Aeryn and I are on the planet sorting out John's burial and funeral details?"

"Perhaps. We got food?" Rygel answered.

D'argo growled.

"That's a yes." Chiana said slapping Rygel on the back of his head.

D'argo then turned away and made his way toward the hangar leaving Chiana to ponder about what he said. Chiana looked at Rygel and he returned back a look of sadness.

She noticed tears dispensing from his eyes and leaned in closer for a look.

"Are you..are you crying?" She asked curiously.

Rygel sighed. "I am capable of emotions. Despite my dominar ways. I have the capabilities of caring about people too you narabi bitch."

"Calling us bitches, doesn't mean you care." Chiana snapped as they headed down the tier. "What Zhann did was wrong and I don't understand why D'argo is defending Zhann. John is dead. There is no such thing as ghosts. Believe me - if there were - I would have seen my brother's ghost appear toward me along time ago."

"Is that the real reason you think Zhann's spiritual journey is a waste of a frell? Because at the end of it what you seek, does not return to you?" Rygel asked. He didn't often like these sorts of questions, but he felt that Zhann's spiritual journey was more important to her and more then ever so after John's passing. He was fuming with rage that she even dared to explain that she saw John appear to her to a greiving widow, but he did somewhat feel compelled to agree with the view everyone grieves in different ways. He just wasn't sure if it was the right call to put that on Aeryn, who is still mourning.

Chiana said nothing. She couldn't answer the question. The thought of being able to see a ghost of her brother after he died, reined on her mind. She wouldn't know what to think or what to do or how to respond.

Rygel sighed. "Chiana, we all lost Crighten. You are not the only one that is feeling Aeryn's loss. So stop acting as if you have all the burden, because in truth you don't. You should be grateful that he saved your ass from certain death. Do him a favour and show up to the funeral and thank him for that. I don't think I ever heard you even thank him for that, you selfish putz."

With that, he hovered away leaving Chiana stunned and stunged by his words which cut deep through her emotions. She fell onto the floor, her mouth opened and silently let out a few tears.

With everything had been set and organized. John's funeral was to take place on the planet in a few arns. It had been a day later and D'argo was ready to transport John's body using his ship down onto the planet, out of respect for his friend and his obsession with wormholes and the IASA ship that he had travelled in when being brought into their side of the galaxy.

He wasn't travelling alone. Jool and Aeryn had joined him, although Jool was co-piloting ,while Aeryn was sitting beside John's casket, not moving a muscle. Sitting there and staring at it.

Jool looked back in sadness as she watched her ship mate just stare at John's casket. It wasn't easy for her to witness such a loss, as she had only just had to deal with the loss of her own cousins. And for the brief time that she knew John, she came to respect him and be friendly with him out of everyone else on the ship. She had trusted him.

When John died, Jool took off and hid somewhere in Moya. She couldn't and didn't want to deal with the loss and she felt that she had been out of place and it would not have been appropriate for her to intrude on her shipmates while they were mourning the loss of their friend. She knew she was a pain in the ass to everyone, so she did the only thing that she could do. Hide and let them deal with it. However Jool's guilt played on her mind and decided to come out of hiding and approach her friends. She hadn't approached Aeryn, not until today. Jool was sure that she was going to say something stupid, but she didn't. All she offered Aeryn was a hug and a gentle kiss before they enterted the ship. A simple gesture to let Aeryn know that she was sorry for her loss. They're loss. A simple gesture that Aeryn reciprocated back with a smile.

D'argo looked at Jool as she looked back at him and then straight out the window.

"Forgive me for being a luxon being nosy, as John used to say, but where the frell have you been on Moya for the last few solar days? I couldn't find you, neither could Rygel or Zhann."

Jool sighed. She knew Chiana wouldn't look for her. Suprisingly she didn't understand why. She offered nothing but niceness torward the young Narabi. Jool thought she was just a little girl pretending to be an adult, so she dismissed Chiana's passive aggressiveness, as jealousness and pettiness.

"I have my spaces. Pilot knew where I was. I asked him not to tell you guys." Jool said as she pressed a few buttons. "We shouldn't waste time on conversation, D'argo. We need to get ready for landing asap. Let's not frell it up."

D'argo blinked at her. Her cold was not cold, but rather nice and cool but she had some kind of strict tone in her voice that D'argo noticed. He realized that she was trying not to screw things up or make the crew's emotions much worse then it currently already was. She was keeping her mouth shut and herself away from everybody.

"You do realize, you are part of this crew now." D'argo reminded her. "You did not have to hide away. You were John's friend too, you know. There was no need to avoid us. If you were going to say something stupid I would have stopped you by knocking you out."

Jool almost smiled at D'argo's loved it when he tried to use humor to try and get to her cheer up and talk.

"Do I see a smile?" D'argo asked.

"Yes." Jool quickly said with the smile immediately disappearing.

At the back of the ship , Aeryn held her wedding/enagement ring in her hands. She put a hand on his coffin looking at it as if she could picture her soul mate staring at her. Little did she know John's ghost was sitting on his coffin, a solem , sad and worried expression on his face. Watching her. Worrying about her.

"I love you, John. I know you can hear me." Aeryn said, holding back, or rather fighting back her tears. "We have to bury you today and it's going to be hard to let this happen. It's going to be hard to imagine you not seeing your son grow up. It's going to be hard to even letting you go today. But I think you gave me the strength that I need to be able to deal with this. Whatever comes my way. For whatever reason - when you first met me - you believed in me - and you didn't know me - but you still believed in me even though I nearly had you killed. You said to me I can be so much more. And you were right. The last couple cycles of my life have been the best. You have shown me things that I have never thought possible, have made me change in ways I didn't think could be possible."

Aeryn looked at the coffin again and put both her hands on it as she placed his mothers ring on top of it.

John's ghost looked at her and at the ring. He wanted to yell at her to put it back on , but he couldn't. He knew she couldn't see him. Aeryn frowned at the chill she suddenly got as John sat beside her. She sniffed the air, picking up a particular scent or smell that she recognised.

Aeryn stood up and looked got nervous at the thought that John's spirit was beside her.

He continued to look at her. "Aeryn, I will always be watching over you. You're never going to be alone. Remember that."

Aeryn shouted toward the pilot room. "Can you guys smell that?"

"Smell what?" D'argo called back. "Are you okay Aeryn?"

Aeryn realized that it had to be her mind playing tricks on her. There was no such things as spirits or ghost. She hit her forehead, as a reminder to not buy into such dren. What Zhann said to her must have been subconscious playing on her. Aeryn desperately wanted John to be alive, so she was just subconsciously creating that illussion.

But whatever that smell was. It was John's aftershave and she knew it. Aeryn may have put some on her as she was getting ready and not realized it. She couldn't quite figure it out at first, but she realized it was his aftershave, but she was sure as hell didn't spray it on her. John knew how much she despised the stench of the earth product.

Aeryn sat back down beside John's coffin. "D'argo… I'm fine. I just had a moment, that's all. I thought I could smell that hidiaous aftershave John used to wave."

"That dren was so frelled." Jool complained.

"Oh yeah I know!" D'argo complained back too. "Whoever invented that stuff, needs to be shot!"

Aeryn smiled. She looked up. "Yes, John, we're talking about you and that damn aftershave. Yes. I know you very well -you'd enjoy it very much."

Aeryn put her hand on top of the brown/gold coffin. Stroking it with her hand to ensure to John that he was still there., but she couldn't help shaking that feeling that his spirit was already beside her. Maybe Zhann was right. She thought. Maybe John was there helping her to grief in his own little way.

It seemed like forever before they landed on the planet. Aeryn looked up to see the sky a nice bright organse mixed in with blue, the sunlright dispisating around the planet giving it a cool glow and effect. Around her she could see other beings on hte planet walking around along side their deceased loved ones heading to their own section of the planet's cemetery. She noticed that most of them were not mouring for their loved ones and she thought that was unmoving, let alone stood by the transport pod as soon as it landed, she waited for D'argo and Jool who were bringing out John's coffin. As soon as Aeryn saw the earth flowers on top of the coffin as they lowered it down onto an automatch wheeler on the end of the transport pod, tears formed in her eyes. It was real. It was going to happen. She was going to bury her John. It really was going to happen, and she can't change it. The tears formed like a raging river, as she struggled to hold back as she watched D'argo and Jool settle the coffin on the automatic wheeler. D'argo adjusted the wheeler to ensure that the wheels were touching the ground and that the coffin was able to be supported by the strength of the steel.

Aeryn had to look away again. As she did, she felt John's scent, that damn cologne, surround her again. She didn't know why it kept coming back, the possiblity of John's ghost guiding her, following her, was terrifying and comforting at the same time for the grieving widow. She wanted to see, wanted to touch, but she couldn't and this annoyed her greatly. But she felt something, a warm feeling to acknowledge his presence, in whatever form that he may be.

She looked at the coffin again.

D'argo and Jool waited there, not wanting to move unless Aeryn said something. Zhann, Rygel and Chiana were going to come to the planet in about half an arn.

D'argo approached her and put a hand on her shoulder. "You okay?"

Aeryn weakly offered D'argo a smile. "I don't know, I'm just….I don't want to say goodbye. I am not ready."

"He will hear your euology and it's a good one that he will like." D'argo said trying to offer her some comfort. He knew the pain of loosing his own wife all that years ago and it was stirring up some old emotions and memories. "When my wife died, I struggled to find a tribute for her, that I wanted her to like whether she was watching or not, but I realized that was too hard, I was creating unrealistic expectations. My wife loved me for me and she didn't want me to go over the top with her final farewell."

Aeryn looked at D'argo, ready to slap him across the face. She didn't understand what he was trying to say to her and why he was saying her. ALl she could think of was he trying to tell her not to grieve for her husband? Not to do a proper final farewell for the human she loved? The strange man that made her see that she could be so much more. She rubbed her head in frustration at not comprehending what her friend meant to say to her.

D'argo looked frustrated as he sensed that Aeryn had taken what he was trying to say the wrong way. He hated this. He hated this. He hated having to do this with Aeryn and his other friends. He didn't want to bury John either. He wished he wasn't dead. What hte others didn't know was that D'argo was going through his own private hell. His own torment of his best friend being taken from it meant that he treated John badly in the final few days before he died. What he was going through now that John was gone. Aeryn didn't particular wanted to care about D'argo grieving, in which he understood that, but he wanted someone to help him through it. He just wished he had one more moment with John to tell him how sorry he was for not treating him right. D'argo watched Aeryn as she walked ahead and followed the path to go down the hill toward the cemeteries.

Jool put a hand on her chest and began to whimper. She turned her head away from D'argo as her tears fell from her face. He reached his hand and gently pushed away the tears, in that moment he saw something beautiful in Jool. He leaned it to slowly kiss her seductively. Jool did not stop him, but was rather surprised by the felt his luxon tongue swarming around in her mouth like an alien trying to get comfortable inside a new host. She pushed herself away and looked at him, confused, disgusted and surprised.

"What the frell!?" Jool shrieked.

D'argo looked rather embarrassed and ashamed, he wasn;'t sure what came over him. He knew it was inappropriate to kiss someone when they were about to bury their friend, he knew for him, it was morally wrong, and it seemed Jool was repulsed by it.

"I…" D'argo started to say, but Jool ran back into the transport pod and slammed the door shut, D'argo could hear her loud sobs from where he stood. He sensed that it was sobs of confusion and sadness, something he knew too damn well about.


	5. Chapter 5

As they day progressed, Aeryn found herself hiding in her room on Moya, not wanting to go back down on the planet. She found herself full of anxiety about what was to be done. She didn't want to let him didn't want to bury him. Thoughts of her old peacekeeper ways began to flash before her eyes. No emotions. No attachments. No specific relationships. Nothing. No out running. She had a job. She had something, it was do the job and do it well. None of this emotional bullshit she went through after deserting her fellow colleagues to be forced to join with the Moya crew as outlaws. She didn't directly regret it, but John's death had triggered something of disdain of the life she currently lead and yearning for that strict reigiement that she was once apart of.. She knew she wouldn't be feeling this way if John was still alive.

Aeryn looked at herself in the mirror that John had made for her a few month ago. It was rectangular shaped and it was made out of some sort of wooden crates. The mirror itself was attached to the wooden crates itself and it stood on a stope. The edges of the wooden create stood as its border for the mirror. On the side of it ,it had a note from John on it. _Now you can see the angel I love so much. You! - Love you - John._

Aeryn teared up when she read that note again. It was heartfelt. Everything that John was feeling about her and continued to feel about her. It was pivotal to his love for making her happy, and for his building the mirror for her. To give her something, he made, that he knew she would like that came from his heart.

She tied her hair back into a pony tail as Chiana knocked on her door.

"Hey." Chiana quietly said, not looking Aeryn in the eye, not wanting to show the widow that she had been mourning. Behind her Zhann and Rygel.

"Chiana." Aeryn greeted somberly, trying not to cry as soon as she saw the grief on her shipmates face. _Oh poor Chiana._Aeryn thought. _John was the first friend she made. She trusted. I know what she's going through._

An immediate flash back to when she first met John an incident on Moya when they had escaped the prisoner cell., made Aeryn suddenly smile.

_Aeryn gave John an impatient look after they escaped the prisoner cell after being locked in by D'argo, Rygel and Aeryn. _

"_Compassion? What is compassion?" Aeryn asked carefully and confusedly, as the word had seemed strange to her. And the way John phrased her paused her and troubled her deeply._

_John looked at her in the eye, puzzled. But not entirely surprised that this woman in Armour, who claimed to be some sort of peace keeper soldier that brings peace to the galaxy, to not have heard or understood the meaning of the word._

_John said. "Compassion? You kidding right? It's a feeling that you have when you see someone else's pain and instead of taking advantage of their weakness you help 'em."_

_Aeryn shook her head. "Oh I know that feeling."_

"_Well it's a Farly common "human" feeling." John stated._

"_Yeah, well - I hate this feeling. Emotions get you intro trouble. Makes you look weak. Especially this compassion you speak of. No time for compassion in this kind of war we are currently in." Aeryn said in a flat and state of matter of fact tone._

She missed that about John. He would explain earth words to her like that, out of randomness , if she didn't understand the word. It made for an interesting conversation. The amount of words and earth sayings she learned from her husband was quite amazing for her. His patience with her, the way he would he help her and correct her but not bewilder her like her old regiment in the peacekeepers training. His gentleness, his toughness, his own willing to give her more was what she loved about him, no matter what the consequences or the situation. He always put her first. Her needs. Not his. She missed that so badly. She wanted him back. Aeryn looked at Chiana, and saw Chiana's own fears as she too was trying to face a life without John, and raising his son without him by her side. She saw how Chiana was lost. Confused. Unrested. Her relationship with D'argo had failed and now with John gone, it seemed by just looking at Chiana she was now a ghost on a Leviathan just floating around , with no sense of purpose.

"We must go. It's time." Zhann said quietly but loud enough , with her head down, bowed to teh ground, but so Aeryn could hear her.

"Can I speak to Chiana alone please?" Aeryn asked as she approached Chiana, putting her hand out and touching her cheek to wipe away the Narabi's tears.

D'argo, Zhann and Rygel immediately turned away, at Aeryn's request.

Aeryn motioned for the young Narabi to come sit with her on the bed. She caught a look of uncertainty in Chiana's face.

"It's okay, I just want to talk and see how you were, I'm not here to yell at you. Although it seems to be one of my favourite things to do." Aeryn said with a slight smile, trying to make Chiana more at ease with just the two of them in the room.

Chiana parked herself on the bed beside Aeryn. She bounced up and down. Was quite nice and soft. She she had a visual image of her and John making in love with. Enough to scare her to get back right up again.

"I..Think I'll stand. I, yeah don't make me sit there, okay?" Chiana stammered as she avoided looking in her eyes. "I mean it's where you and Creighton… it's yours. Not mine to sit."

"It's okay, Chiana, please." Aeryn said, trying to be gentle with Chiana and not being forceful. She watched her as Chiana uneasily approached the bed and then sat down again.

"How are you doing?" Aeryn asked. "I have been so consumed with my own grief, I haven't freely checked to see on how you or Zhann or Rygel were dealing…."

"I miss him." Chiana blurted out. Aeryn watched her as she wiped away the tars that fell down her cheek. "He was the only one that made me feel I could be who I was, without being judged. "I know it sounds strange, but he was the only one I could rely on to be just my friend, you know?"

"I do know." Aeryn smiled. "I would like to thank you for going with D'argo to the planet. John would have appreciated you being there with him, when I originally couldn't."

"No biggie." Chiana said.

"That's a nice dress." Aeryn commented. Chiana was wearing a black dress with some wild colours on the side of her arms. The dress was a bit baggy on her, but it had a lining of silver and gold attached on the shoulders of the dress. Aeryn went to touch it.

"What are these?" Aeryn asked, quite taken by the particular metal objects. Chiana looked at her and said.

"Bracelets. Creighton made them for me. Did he make you any?" Chiana asked.

Aeryn had to think about that for a moment. _If you count the mirror, then sure we could go with that._

Chiana cleared her throat. "You know, I don't know what to say to you, except I'm sorry that this has happened."

"I guess most of you have been avoiding me huh?" Aeryn asked. "Understandable, but I need people to be around me. With the baby coming later, I'm going to be a mess. I…."

Aeryn stopped talking. It overwhelmed her, the fact that John wasn't going to be with her in Zhann's medical quarters of Moya when it was time to give birth to their child. Their first child. Now only child. It pained her deeply that she was not going to share that with John, and for a cruel moment she resented the fact that the rest of Moyans were going to share that moment. She didn't want to think it, to Aeryn, it did not seem right that they were going to witness the most magical thing to come out of her body, out of their relationship and love. It was supposed to be for her and John. To enjoy that moment where they had created life.

Aeryn breathed back the tears, thinking about it, spun her out, and she didn't want to lose it. Not yet. She still had to get through the service. She wasn't sure how she was going to cope, but they were all going to be there for her. No matter what. She was not alone through this, and with her grief she had to keep telling herself that.

Aeryn and Chiana stood up at the same time. Around her neck sat the locket that John gave her, when she had been caught in that time discontinue on a planet. It was the one thing that kept her hopes up, seeing him again, his face, his smile and well everything else if the photo was large enough - would have been basically a bonus.

Aeryn put on John's leather coat. She could smell him in it. And for a breathe second she felt something brush upon her lips, another lip maybe, John's lips perhaps and when it did she could smell that cologne she hated.

"Do you smell that Chiana?"A eryn asked, very annoyed that the smell had returned and that essence had brushed passed her again. She felt like she was going crazy. Was it a sign? Was John really watching beyond death? She started to wonder what Zhann had said to her earlier. In that moment of madness, that Aeryn had climbed to ensure Zhann. Maybe Zhann had some kind of connection to John's spirit, or whatever she called it. Maybe she wasn't crazy after all. Maybe John was hanging around watching her. Maybe. Just maybe. Aeryn rubbed away the thought because in her mind that would not be possible. Once you're dead. You're dead. Finite. Nothing more be said. No soul. The body is a lifeless vessel and the soul is gone. Nothing left.

Chiana looked at Aeryn and frowned and slowly said. "Um,smell what? Is the thing you smelled on the ship, that you were talking to Pilot about?"

"You know about that?" Aeryn asked, quite surprised. She thought she had at least some privacy, while greiving for John. No doubt Jool had discussed it with either Rygel, or even worse with Zhann.

"Yeah. I don't think it's weird." Chiana said slowly, carefully to mince her words. She sighed. "I .. I think we better go. John doesn''t like being kept waiting."

"In life he never did, so why would death be any different?" Aeryn said with a slow smile. A joke that he had told her many times before, but the joke was an edge breaker for the strained, polite and "nice" conversation she was having Chiana. It was time to bury any kind of ill feeling she had for Chiana, and likewise for Chiana to Aeryn, and move forward. John's favourite girls shouldn't be fighting anymore.

"Let's go." Aeryn said softly, realizing that now she had to confront what she feared and dreaded over the last few days. Saying goodbye to her John.


End file.
